The NFL draft will last five hours on Saturday (used to be nine) and another eight hours on Saturday. That’s long as hell but not nearly as bad as it used to be—a combined 17 hours of coverage, plus extra ESPN yapp-sessions before and after.
So how to gear up for your extended stay on the couch? “Football food” is perfect for encouraging lethargy but not necessarily healthy. But since it’s the only meaningful football coverage until September (ESPN never gets this memo, opting to air “NFL Live” throughout the winter and spring), chow down on Domino’s, Tyson wings, and guzzle the Heineken (Coors Light is too Bret Favre-trashy) as you pack on the celebratory pounds.
Over the 13 hours or whenever you decide to stop watching, you’ll hear the same 15 or so names tossed around. Before you mute your TV and start bumping the Asher Roth album, these are the folks you’ll be well acquainted with:
Mel Kiper Jr./Todd McShay
ESPN’s talking heads. It’s their jobs to know every little thing about every single player that could possibly be drafted, from the inches of imperfection in USC quarterback Mark Sanchez’s throwing motion to Florida wide receiver Percy Harvin’s favorite pot strand.
Matthew Stafford
He’ll probably be the first pick taken—because he’s the best QB.
Aaron Curry
He’ll probably be the first pick taken—because he comes cheap.
Larry Fitzgerald/Troy Polamalu
The newest Madden cover athletes so you’ll no doubt see about five TV spots for the game every commercial break. And because they’re on the cover, the legendary curse will befall them and they’ll break something, rupture something, or kill something. So expect their teams to inconspicuously draft their replacements.
Josh Freeman
Every year, the NFL invites a few draft prospects to attend in person, dressed in some ugly ass suit, with fam in tow. And then there’s always that one guy out of the group who watches everyone else collect their phone calls, hats, jersey, handshake from the commish, and essentially, their checks. Sitting there cursing the world as his mama consoles him, we wait for him to hit breaking point where he goes Incredible Hulk on the “green room,” as they call it. Somehow, he manages to save his rage for the hotel.
This year, chances are the unlucky soul could be Kansas State QB Josh Freeman—as the worst of the three QBs invited—who wrecks his room at the W. I actually hope it’s Ole Miss tackle Michael Oher. Why? Well, he’s a lineman, which means he’s big and fat. He’ll cause the most damage to any hotel room and guess what? I don’t run a hotel so I won’t mind. My ass will be parked on the couch.
- Devin Chanda
