The NBA Playoffs begin this weekend and I couldn’t be any sadder because that means the European soccer season is also nearing its conclusion. Not saying the NBA is boring, but the first 82 regular season games are kinda enh. Now the games matter, though—or so we’re led to believe. The powers that be are gonna make sure the Lakers and Cavs clash in the finals. Since the games will be “contested,” here are GIANT’s picks.

THE EAST

Cleveland vs. Detroit

One team has Bron-Bron, the other has Allen Iverson wearing civilian clothes, blowin’ stacks in the few Detroit casinos he’s still allowed in. Cue the brooms.

Chicago vs. Boston

No KG for Boston—maybe that’s why Celtics GM Danny Ainge had a heart attack. Ok, I jest but Chicago could spring a surprise. Not. This ain’t ’98…

Philadelphia vs. Orlando

The Magic have the best big man in the NBA in Dwight Howard, which doesn’t bode well for Philly who don’t have a respectable big man. My 6-foot, 140-pound frame can probably bang on skinny-ass Sixers center Samuel Dalembert.

Miami vs. Atlanta

Only way Atlanta is taking this is if they call Dwayne Wade’s ex-wife to guard him. Wait—even she couldn’t keep the shackles on him.

THE WEST

Houston vs. Portland

Out of sentimentality, it would be nice to see Queens head and resident screw-up Ron Artest and the Rockets advance, but Brandon Roy and a maturing Blazers squad should edge them out in the only series that may go the distance.

Utah vs. Los Angeles

Writing “Los Angeles” made me think for a sec that the Clippers were in the playoffs. But then I remembered, Clippers players are only contracted to play 82 games a year. Btw, Kobe ftw.

New Orleans vs. Denver

Denver supposedly got good once they got rid of Allen Iverson for Chauncey Billups. I wouldn’t know because they play too late over on the West side. With former GIANT featuree and assist machine Chris Paul in the backcourt for NO, they’ll prevail.

Dallas vs. San Antonio

Does Tim Duncan still make all those bank shots off the backboard?  Dude used to be automatic…and fucking boring.  But automatic.

-Devin Chanda