Long-standing members of the NFL’s delinquency department, Mike Vick and Plaxico “Gravy” Burress (the Cheddar Bob references are played out), as well as sizzling newcomer Donte Stallworth, all paid trips to the courtroom this week in regards to their respective cases.
Reps for Vick, certified Broke Phi Broke-status at this point, saw a bankruptcy judge today to resolve how he’ll repay his various debts once he’s outta the bing. His answer: the lucrative career path of a…. construction worker. Not hating on construction workers, but that isn’t gonna get him the tens of millions he needs. VH1 show, Shamwow commercials, Adsense-supported blog—all better ideas. Of course he still plans to collect an NFL check—if the commish allows.
Burress was in court on Monday (March 30) pertaining to his graviness and after 45 seconds in front of the judge, his case was adjourned until June 15. If he doesn’t have a plea deal in place by then, well, there probably won’t be any football in ’09 for him.
And then there’s Donte. The Browns’ journeyman receiver was charged with DUI manslaughter after striking and killing a pedestrian in Miami on March 15. Now, I was watching The Boys and Girls Guide To Getting Down (peep it, son) and they said if you do somehow find yourself driving drunk at night, be sure to have the high beams on. Stallworth hit the victim at 7 in the morning, so I don’t know what his excuse is. Stallworth issued an apology to the victim’s family today in court, but since the whole ordeal is for realsies and not an episode of Lost, he’s fucked—and deservedly so.
You gotta wonder what has all these NFL dudes on the Pacman Jones route out of the league. It can’t be the Gatorade because you don’t see as many NBA players acting a fool. My guess is the steroids.
-Devin Chanda
