Like regular folk, athletes make mistakes. Unlike regular folk, athletes make egregious mistakes we can all laugh hysterically at. Here’s a rundown of some of the biggest from the past year.
8. Arena Football Scrub Picks Up Freak, Dumb Injury
Doing his best cheerleader impression without tacking on a skirt and shaking some pom-poms, Orlando Predators d-lineman Elton Patterson decided to amp up the crowd by jumping up and down like an idiot. The only thing he got out of them was laughter as he proceeded to tear his quadriceps during the warm-up. Maybe it was just a Bill Gramatica impression.
7. Pacman Jones Does His Best Pacman Jones Impression
Besides making it rain, Pac spends his free time in the wrestling ring.
His delinquency may have peaked in ’07, reaching legendary heights of stupidity, but ’08 wasn’t a complete washout for him. On October 7th, the Cowboys cornerback got in an alcohol-fueled scuffle with a team-mandated bodyguard, resulting in a 6-game suspension this season (he was suspended all of last season). According to NFL commish Roger Goodell, any more indiscretions and he’ll pick up a lifetime achievement award ban from the league.
6. Roger Clemens Gets His Day In Court… and Another
Roid rage back in 2000.
After being implicated in December 2007 of steroid use throughout his playing career, Clemens saw his legacy tarnished forever. Thus, he decided to take his case to Congress to prove that he was in fact clean. On February 13, Clemens testified that he never told his BFF Andy Pettite that he took steroids, contrary to Pettite’s own testimony. Congress realized somebody (and by somebody, I mean Clemens) lied and therefore, asked the Department of Justice to investigate Clemens’ testimony.
5. Didier Drogba Bitchslaps A Dude Named Nemanja
He's always innocent.
The 2008 Champions League Final—the Super Bowl of European club soccer—between Manchester United and Chelsea was tied at one apiece when frustrated Chelsea striker Didier Drogba slapped Man U defender Nemanja Vidic during the 117th minute. Drogba was given a red card and thus dismissed. Chelsea went on to lose the match in penalty kicks when the fifth kick resulted in a horrible miss. The scheduled kicker? Didier Drogba. The actual kicker? Defender John Terry. Think Shaq at the free throw line with the game on the line.
4. Daunte Culpepper Unretires
And when he does get a pass off, it's probably intercepted.
Frustrated that neither the Packers, Steelers, nor Chiefs were willing to give him a decent contract, quarterback Daunte Culpepper decided to retire in September… until the Lions came calling in November. Mainly remembered for being Randy Moss’ shaky supply line in Minnesota, his legacy has taken on a new chapter: Lions starter for a couple games, benched for the next few, and proud member of the first team to go winless during an entire NFL season.
3. Josh Howard Gives Bad Name To Potheads Everywhere
At an Allen Iverson charity football event in July, Dallas Mavericks forward and All-Star and self-confessed pothead Josh Howard (note: the NBA has drug testing) decided to offer up a soundbyte as the national anthem was being sung in the background: “‘The Star-Spangled Banner” is going on. I don’t celebrate this shit. I’m black.” He then goes on to give a glowing recommendation for Obama. Obviously, it was Howard who swung the election in Barack’s favor.
2. Sean Avery Grabs a Headline for Hockey
NHL's Ms. Congeniality
Dallas Stars’ left wing Sean Avery has dated the likes of Elisha Cuthbert and Rachel Hunter and so prior to a December game against the Calgary Flames, Avery decided to approach the waiting media types. Directing his comments at Flames’ defenseman Dion Phaneuf, current boyfriend of Cuthbert, Avery said, “I am going to say one thing. I am really happy to be back in Calgary. I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it has become a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I do not know what that is about, but enjoy the game.” Avery thought he was just building hype for a hockey game no one gave a damn about. The NHL thought he was just being a dick—and suspended him. And then the Dallas Stars decided to get rid of him permanently.
1. Plaxico Burress
Celebrating doing the truly improbable.
Because he a) shot himself b) lost his job and c) may lose $27 million and go to jail.
-Devin Chanda
