Another batch of ’08 performances we’d rather forget before midnight tonight.
8. Kristen Stewart, Twilight
I’m not sure that any actress would have been able to make Bella Swan–the teen gal at the center of this vampire love story–into a believable, three-dimensional human being. As written, Bella is a complete cipher, someone whom young readers can project their own personalities onto in order to pretend that they’re locking lips with a studly young bloodsucker with ripped abs and a chaste bedside manner. Accordingly, Stewart goes through all two hours of Twilight with a blank expression on her face, never cracking a smile or expressing any emotion beyond detachment.
7. Paris Hilton, The Hottie & The Nottie and Repo! The Genetic Opera
Three years after House of Wax laid a big stink bomb at the box office, the legend-in-her-own mind quasi-celebrity made another bid for movie stardom in 2008, first by appearing in the dire makeover comedy The Hottie & The Nottie, followed by the disappointing cult horror musical Repo! The Genetic Opera. Once again, both movies made about a $1.50 in theaters, which means Paris should probably stick to making music. Oh wait a minute…
6. Jessica Alba, The Eye and The Love Guru
Jessica Alba has always had looks and charm—it’s the talent that’s lacking. The new mom’s two major 2008 roles didn’t do anything to change that impression. The scare-free remake of the Asian horror film The Eye mainly required her to walk through the movie looking glum and confused, while The Love Guru forced her to find the genuinely scary sight of Mike Meyers in his guru get-up attractive. She’d better hope Sin City 2 goes into production soon, because bouncing back from these failures ain’t going to be easy.
5. Selma Blair, Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Guillermo Del Toro generally has spot-on instincts when it comes to casting. Ron Perlman as Hellboy? Genius! But I’m not sure what was on his mind when he tapped Selma Blair to play firestarter Liz Sherman. With her mopey stare and grating voice, she’s been the weak link in both Hellboy flicks. If Del Toro ever does get to complete his planned trilogy, may we suggest swapping out Blair for an actress with actual charisma…like, say, Kat Dennings?
4. Alicia Keys, The Secret Life of Bees
Ms. Keys swings and misses for strike three in her attempt to add “movie star” to her lengthy resume. If underwhelming turns in turds like Smokin’ Aces and The Nanny Diaries weren’t evidence enough, her halting, unfocused performance in this three-hankie weepie confirms her lack of acting chops. Stick to singing Alicia. Unlike Paris, you actually do have a successful music career.
3. Rachel Bilson, Jumper
I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for Summer Roberts, the character Rachel Bilson embodied so successfully during The O.C.’s four-season run. Jumper was supposed to be Bilson’s ticket to movie stardom, but based on her awkward, lackluster performance (to say nothing of the film’s box office failure) she might want to go back to paging through her TV offers. Maybe O.C. mastermind could hook her up with a recurring role on Gossip Girl?
2. Liv Tyler, The Incredible Hulk
Granted, Liv Tyler is stuck in a thoroughly thankless role as Betty Ross, estranged lover of Bruce Banner and his giant green alter ego (played by Ed Norton this time around). Even so, her work in this absurdly overpraised comic-book flick is pretty darn terrible. Every time she and Norton had to pretend they were deeply in love with each other, I swear I could feel time literally come to a stop in the theater..
1. Renee Zellweger, Leatherheads
I admit that I’m biased when it comes to Renee Zellweger–truth is, she’s an actress I simply can’t stand. Of all her bad performances though, this may be the worst, largely because she’s been glaringly miscast. Tapped to play a Katherine Hepburn-style tart-tongued reporter in George Clooney’s ’20s-era football comedy, Zellweger is absolutely hopeless. Aside from having no feel for the script’s comic rhythms, she fails to strike any sparks with either of her love interests, Clooney and John Krasinski. Those two would have been better off falling for each other–it would have been more believable than watching them chase after her.
