Enshrouded within the darkest cavern of my psyche is a secret. A rare and magical talent bequeathed to me by my forebears. Taking a look at me, you’d never know. Most of my closest friends don’t know who or what I truly am. But ply me with that enchanting elixir known as Patron silver and unleash the torrent of my true self—A KARAOKE CHAMPION THE LIKES OF WHICH YOU HAVE NEVER SEEEEEEN!!!!

Ahem, so here’s my playlist in no particular order. Yes, I know this dates me. Yes, I know my tastes skew a little… how should I say, gross? BUT MAN, I sing like how a unicorn would taste if you stewed in a crock-pot for days—magnificent. Or like chicken, depending on how sloshed I am.

10. “Mmm Bop” by Hanson.

9. “Ignition (Remix)” by R. Kelly.

8. “The Rainbow Connection” by Kermit the Frog.

7. “Barbie” by Aqua.

6. “Rearview Mirror” by Pearl Jam.

5. “In da Club” by 50 Cent.

4. “A Little Respect” by Erasure.

3. “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Theme Song (extended version with the bit about begging and pleading with his mother, who I must mention isn’t the actress who actually plays his mother in the show. A continuity hiccup that only becomes more despicable with the Vivian switch).

2. “I Touch Myself” by The Divinyls.

1. “Lose Yourself” by Eminem (to be mumbled and then sung with compensatory gusto in the chorus bits).

*You will note that there is no Springsteen, Journey, Bohemian Rhapsody or Foreigner [curtsey].