Just kidding, no I haven’t, but imagine sitting at your office, and some guy busts into the middle of the room and starts singing? And singing well? Well, that’s pretty much what new R&B artist Chanj did.

Well, that’s not exactly how the story went, but for argument’s sake, it’s nearly accurate. The New Jersey-bred singer (his name, pronounced “change,” is basically ChaNJ – get it? Badum-tssss) is impressive by way of one very simple fact: that he actually has singing talent. As in, no autotune, no loud backup music, no backup singers, no digital tweaking that made his live voice sound like Shrek’s in comparison to his recorded vocals. And you’d really be surprised to know how hard that is to come by these days – people will listen to anything! Listen to his single “Maybe” below.

CHANJ – “MAYBE”

Is singer Gordon Voidwell the new Prince?

The return of John Forté

Nothing I love more than a video that pretty much has nothing to do with the song, and is a total creep-out to boot.

New duo Christian Rich has yet to really burst onto the scene, but the music I’ve heard so far is pretty solid. However, while I usually post songs on Eargasm, the video for new single “Famous Girl” is so creepy I had to share it with those who probably haven’t seen it yet. My mind is totally sick, so it feels like something I’d come up with if I was a video director.  I’d elaborate, but I want to keep it a surprise. Watch the whole thing and tell me what you think.

I I I, me me me. How vain was this post?

Christian Rich – Famous Girl from CHRISTIAN RICH on Vimeo.

Is singer Gordon Voidwell the new Prince?

Tell Em Why Ya Mad, Diddy!

I don’t generally like comparing artists because I’m sure the artists themselves don’t set out to sound like someone else, but if I had to compare Gordon Voidwell to anyone, it would definitely be Mr. Assless Chaps himself, Prince Rogers Nelson. I like Voidwell (formerly Will Johnson) for the energy and funk in his music. It’s like if Prince and Morris Day had a baby and put him in a pair of tight pants and ironic glasses. It makes me want to do anything from rollerskate to smoke funny cigarettes in a gold lamé jumpsuit at a glamorous, yet seedy party. Unfortunately I can only post one song at a time, so “Payback” it is – as he’ll definitely be getting a sweet payback rather soon. But click on his name and head to his page to hear more.

Then get out your funny cigarettes and lamé and, if you’re in the New York area, check him out at the Apollo in March. Unfortunately he doesn’t wear assless chaps and writhe around on the floor doing splits and rubbing his chest and things, but he puts on a fun show. All, funky and hipstery and shit.

GORDON VOIDWELL – “PAYBACK”

I love Pharrell and Weezy so much that the way I feel about their new collabo is borderline gross.

It’s called “Yes.”

And that is exactly what I thought when I heard they made a new song together, complete with Stephanie Tanner knee-jerk.

Amen.

I really get off on other people doing my job for me. So just before New Year’s Eve, I asked DJ Reach about the 5 songs he liked the most in 2008, and what he’ll be spinning on the big day. And yea, I realize that NYE was definitely, like, 15 days ago, but I’m a busy girl. Sue me.

The LAVO Las Vegas resident DJ spun the following five cuts at the club’s New Year’s Eve blowout. Personally, I kind of love this list, despite the fact that I’ve heard all five songs at least 23478209742098735234 times over the past few months. I guess they just never get old.

LIL WAYNE – “A MILLI”

MIA – “PAPER PLANES”

YOUNG JEEZY FEAT. JAY Z – “PUT ON” (REMIX)

KID CUDI – “DAY AND NIGHT” (CROOKERS REMIX)

MGMT – “ELECTRIC FEEL”

Well, I was just put on to this song the other day, but apparently it’s a huge banger in the titty bar. Who knew?

Growing up with mostly males as friends can either be totally awesome or completely blow up in your face. In my case, I’d like to say it’s been a good naivete buffer when it comes to dating dudes, but on the negative end it’s turned me into one of the bluntest, crassest girls I know.

Fact: I really like corny euphemisms for sex. Perhaps my inner circle has made me immune to certain sensitivities, but between me and my boys, the three most common (and hilarious) phrases we use in reference to getting/having gotten butt are:

• “I’m gonna blow them cheeks up”;
• “I plan to get some stank on my hang-lows tonight”;
• “I blew her back out.”

Now, clearly I am not blowing any cheeks up or backs out, or getting stank on my hang-lows because I don’t have any hang-lows to get stank on, but as a girl, it’s sometimes fun to live vicariously through these guys.

So when I heard about this new Attitude cut, all I could do was laugh wildly and forward it to my friends. Even if it was the worst song on earth (which it isn’t), I’d still buy a bunch of singles and send them as fun presents. Now, it’s been a while since I’ve been to a good strip club, but I could totally see Diamond from The Players’ Club doing some kind of stank routine to this.

Besides, a guy who has singles with names like “When I Roll Up” and “Bitches Ain’t Shit” can’t be anything short of a good time.

ATTITUDE – “BLOW YA BACK OUT”

Okay, so I know I’ve said on more than one occasion that Gucci Mane is, hands down, the worst freestyler on the planet, but his songs are so catchy I really can’t hate on his shenanigans. And his new song, “Dat Girl (I Think I Luv Her),” has made me forget all about those awful bars he laid down behind some dumpster one night.

Especially when it involves some girl rapping the lyric,

“Well my name is Suzy, and Gucci think i love him | That sucka think I’m loyal, but I fucks with all the hustlas | I be with all the ballas, I be in all the spots, I might be in the kitchen, nigga, cookin wit ya pops”

Come on. That shit is hysterical. And the beat isn’t bad either.

Anyway, a short synopsis:  Apparently after Gucci met a freaky girl, didn’t take her home to mama, got her name and her number, then some brain in the front seat of the Hummer, he also got sprung and fell in love with a ho. So she went from being the Freaky Girl to Dat Girl and, sadly, the joke was on Gucci the whole time. But he probably put a blunt to the wind and forgot all about it in a day or so.

Just like real life!

GUCCI MANE – “DAT GIRL (I THINK I LUV HER)”

Boo, boo, boo.

Ironically, I do not enjoy being a hating ass hater. It just comes naturally when I’m presented with things that suck. Like last night’s American Music Awards.

I don’t want to make too big a big deal out of this, so I’m going to do a pro/con list and leave it at that.

THE HATED

• Beyonce’s performance. Why? Because I’ve seen it 307 times already. Get some new shit, B. You’re not even a single lady anymore. I would have been satisfied with at least a medley. I thought you were gonna go into some funky shit, but it was really a chorus reprisal over a different beat. And I don’t like being tricked by performers I love.  My friend Chuck says, “it looks like Beyonce’s performing and Sasha stayed home.” I agree. That boring crap had me tighter than your Dereon jeans. You’re on probation.
• Mariah’s everything. Remember when she was a small-chested skinny awkward thing with frizzy mulatto hair and a chubby, happy face? She was humble and awesome. Curiously, however, the more attention she clearly craves, the more boring she becomes. It’s like her fame-to-appeal ratio only exists positively in Oppositeland. Perhaps if I’d closed my eyes during the performance, I could enjoy the singing and not be bothered by all the ridiculousness that was Nick Cannon’s useless cameo, her inexplicably expressionless face, and that effing wind machine. Bitch don’t go nowhere without her wind machine.
• Kanye West’s everything. Make music, K. Don’t ever speak. I want to enjoy you, and your “I So Totally Am Baby Jesus” rants make loving you very difficult. You’re much like an abusive boyfriend in a Lifetime movie, beating my brain with your nonsense, then producing a great album so I come crawling back. That crap needs to stop.
• New Kids On the Block’s performance. To say I didn’t sing along would be a lie. But you guys really do sing just as badly as you did when I was rocking out to you as a kid.
• Rihanna’s performance. I can’t say I didn’t drink a little bit of the Rihanna Kool-Aid, but I did drink a little. So yea, I like some of her songs. But I also know she’s a useless performer, and I’m not afraid to say it. She can’t sing all that well, and we all know she can’t dance, but she’s quite gorgeous and cute and lovable. But the aforementioned flaws mean I can do quite well without her walking around like a zombie in a Slick Rick eye patch spouting booboo about rehab. No, no, no.
• Kanye’s performance. Kanye, since you think you are the best thing since sliced rapper, I expect much more from you. Tricky camera angles did not excuse the fact that your performance was sub-par compared to what you’ve been putting out this year. Boo.
• Jonas Brothers everything. Why are you famous? I do like that one song, but since I don’t remember the name of it and wouldn’t download it, it doesn’t count. Same for Taylor Swift. I don’t get you.
• T-Pain’s entire existence in entertainment. Yea, his songs are fun to sing along to, but he is tantamount to a walking BET. In plainer terms, Barack Obama: 9287364892634 steps forward; T-Pain’s presence in anything media: 98267348972634986234 steps back. You do the math. I believe the children are our future, and T-Pain is making me consider a hysterectomy.

THE TOLERATED

• B’s performance outfit. It was just cute. And I’m big on unnecessarily glossy chesticle when appropriately displayed.
• Miley Cyrus. She finally grew into her Similac teeth and mildly sexed it up for her performance. It was cute and I loved her. Budding teen dreams, take note: you don’t have to look like a complete whore for kids to love you and adults to appreciate you. I look forward to [hopefully] not being inundated with pictures of Miley’s drunken crotch shots for years to come.
• Annie Lennox’s performance. I said to Kenyatta, “I’m not sure if her performance was that good, or if I just really love Annie Lennox. Actually no. It really wasn’t that good of a performance; she’s just awesome.”
• Christina Aguilera’s everything. She’s fine after just having a baby, and she performed all her old hits. I sang along and thought the awards ceremony was getting off to a great start. Little did I know it would end up sucking complete ass.
• New Kids On the Block’s performance. Well, I said I sang along, didn’t I. I even did the dance to “The Right Stuff.” You know it too. Don’t front.
• Rihanna’s outfit. Why did everyone hate it? I thought she was cute and it was a perfect look for her. I am completely dumbfounded by the ability of people to hate on her outfits and have nothing but rave reviews about her music. Perhaps everyone is in Oppositeland as well, one town over from Mariah.
• Ne-Yo’s performance. Good move adding that graceful red dress lady. She was on fire. A decade or so ago I would have set my sights on being her. So, kudos.
• Leona Lewis’ performance. She was painfully awkward, but it made her real and I loved it. She’s just a cute girl with a really great gift and isn’t really sure what to do with her body, and that’s cool. It’s what made everyone love Mariah, before she became a creepy lady Tron. Not to be confused with Ladytron, a fantastic duo.
• Sarah McLachlan/Pink’s performance. It was simple, the singing was great, and they didn’t try too hard and fail epically, like almost everyone else. In fact, I loved it.
• Alicia, Queen Latifah, and Kathleen Battle’s whateverthehell. I’m not sure what it was about. I didn’t like it or dislike it, but I don’t have a “…what??” category, so it’s going under Tolerated.

THE MISSED

• A Justin Timberlake performance. You are fine as wine and talented to boot. Your award presentation was a disservice. I want some singing and dancing (or loving, but the first two are more realistic… or are they?), or you may as well just stay home. Don’t make us anticipate the awesome, only to replace your awesome with some craptastic crap like Taylor Swift’s “I Can’t Sing” crap and Mariah’s “I Can Sing, But Everything Else That I Do Sucks” crap. It’s just not fair
• A Chris Brown performance. He can dance his ass off, and he always goes over the top. If anything, it would have gotten serious ratings.
• Britney, bitch.

Ratings for the American Music Awards are lower than ever, and now I know why. Everyone needs to step their damn game up. Most of the awards given out were undeserved, and then I had to remember/understand that the AMAs are pretty much run by teens. And teens like crap. So maybe that has something to do with it. Except my 15-year-old sister came to spend the night and watched the AMAs with me, and she hated them too, so maybe she’s a cool kid or maybe… maybe the AMAs just sucked. Even Rashaun agrees… but he hates everything. So, you tell me.

I’m having a conflict of interest over this song by The Asteroids Galaxy Tour. Mainly because the beat sounds very Smash Mouth-y, and I frankly hate to admit I like any Smash Mouth song. But this Danish duo is cute, their songs are catchy, and I can’t stop playing this one single.

And for the record, I do indeed know the words to Smash Mouth’s “Walkin on the Sun,” enjoy it still when it plays in a random supermarket, and don’t cringe when I hear their cuts during Shrek. Except that Monkees cover, because I hate that song and it’s over-usage. So I guess I’m just full of shit and will buy this Asteroids album when it comes out after all. So there.

THE ASTEROIDS GALAXY TOUR – “THE SUN AIN’T SHININ NO MORE”

Not all bands are formed with the sole purpose of fame and bucks. Some really are just in it for the music, like Matt and Kim.

Green Label Sound is a new Mountain Dew-supported music program that highlights talented, small-time independent artists by giving them broader exposure and offering select songs as free downloads for those who want to check them out. Later, as more artists are added to the dock, GLS will host a tour to introduce the artists’ live style to fans and curious music heads across the country.

I’m always in support of bands who don’t whore themselves out for a quick buck from the finicky media, and this Matt and Kim song puts me in a good mood for no reason. Plus, they’re cute little Brooklyn hipsters that I’d likely enjoy a tea with, so extra points for that.

MATT AND KIM – “DAYLIGHT”

I do too. But until we get all of these shenanigans sorted out on the new site over here, I’m giving you all the pleasure of one song a day. Which, theoretically, is better for you because you don’t have to wait until Friday for the 5 Songs rundown, and and great for us because you’ll be back to the site every day! I love cooperation.

BLACK MILK – “GIVE THE DRUMMER SUM”