By definition, and I challenge you to disprove this, a “quickie,” in the cleanest of terms, is a hurried sexual encounter. Frequency of such can (sadly) determine the celebrity of many the hormone-engulfed adolescent. Subsequent stories detailing partner, time, and – most important when judging – place, of such an act will grant said honoree a figurative crown of symbolic manhood from his less-than-lucky friends, plus lots of backslaps, high-fives, and “you da’ man’s!” This is a sad sight to see, but nevertheless, a truth for the male species (of what I hope is only) under the age of 21.

For women, however, a “quickie” is the ability to shout “Do I Look Like I Give a F**k?” from our chests – where we know you’re looking, anyway. I’m sorry to say, my hapless homies, but unfortunately for you and your ego, we don’t need you this round. This season, when we’re in the mood for a “quickie,” we mean Married to the Mob’s small re-release of old classics in new styles.