Top 8 Power Moves in Sports of ‘08

Teams and individuals are always looking to stay on top by making a big splash, on or off the field. Here’s the 8 moves from the past year that did the most to assert dominance or cement a legacy—by any means.

8. Coach Drops Pants, Wins Job

Explaining key plot points from The Full Monty.

Down at halftime of an October game against the shitty Seahawks, San Francisco 49ers interim coach Mike Singletary tried to fire up his team… with a deft, downward pull of his pants. “I used my pants to illustrate that we were getting our tails whipped,” he said. It didn’t quite work—they lost 34-13. However, since the incident, the Niners began beating the teams they’re supposed to (i.e. god-awful St. Louis). As a result, Singletary is about to put pen to paper on a permanent deal.

7. Lakers Decide Kobe Can’t Do It Himself

Dejection/rejection/failure... revisited.

It took the Lakers’ front office a while (three years, give or take) to realize what everyone already knew (Kobe ain’t MJ), but they finally got him some help. On February 1, Kobe received a replacement Shaq—except Spanish and the occasional pansy. Pau Gasol can ball, though, and his chemistry with Kobe is blossoming—to the point where the Lakers look like the favorites to win the title, after beating the Celtics recently.

6. Manchester City Becomes Rich, Bitch

When you have real Arab money, you don't just ball in the club. You buy ball clubs.

In Manchester, there’s two big soccer teams: Manchester United, and fugly step-child Manchester City, loved only by those with an acquired taste for under-achievement and Oasis fans. With the ex-Man City owner facing jailtime, Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan of the UAE decided to buy the team for about $300 million, instantly making them the richest club in the world. The Sheikh then bought Brazilian striker Robinho from Real Madrid for $50 million, a British record and a sum which doesn’t even include Robinho’s playing salary.

5. Bron-Bron Doing Bron-Bron

Hail to the king.

Which means being the third dude ever to be on the cover of Vogue (albeit a kinda racist one), having Hov make diss records for you when bum-ass scrubs (DeShawn Stevenson) wanna step to you, throwing powder all over Weezy F. (he’s dirty anyway) in one of his Nike ads, getting Nicole Scherzinger (she’s bad) all wet in another Nike ad, and continuing to be worshipped in Cleveland though he doesn’t care to be there.

4. Nadal Wins Wimbledon…

Passing of the torch.

It marked the first time Roger Federer, arguably the greatest tennis player ever, was beaten in a Wimbledon final, and thus the reason he eventually lost his world No. 1 ranking—which he held for 237 consecutive weeks—to Nadal. It wasn’t easy for Nadal, considering the battle between the Spaniard and the Swiss was the longest final match ever at Wimbledon, clocking in at right under 5 hours.

3. Phelps Touches Down In Beijing

He even looks like an amphibian.

With the exception of the 4×100m freestyle relay where his homeboy had to save his ass and the equally nerve-wracking 100m butterfly, Michael Phelps won just by showing up.

2. Yankees to Red Sox, Rest of League: “Got Ya, Bitch!”

(Cheap-ass) Haters.

The Yankees weren’t supposed to spend more after spending $240 million on two pitchers and another $30 million on taxes because they spent $240 million. But then they spent another $180 million on the best free agent available. Why? Because they can. Because “you play to win the game.” Because what every other team calls “unfair” or “ridiculous,” the Yankees call “ruthless commitment.” Catch up.

1. Usain Bolt Quits The 400

There is no competition.

The Jamaican sprinter was supposedly too lazy for the long distance. So he asked his coach to run the 100. Phelps may have won the most gold medals, but Bolt started celebrating 60m into his race. And he DJ’d the afterparty.

-Devin Chanda