Today in super unsurprising news: Ivana Trump’s Fourth Marriage is DEADEDEDED

"When you die, I pawn this, yes?"

Ivana Trump who is almost sixty years old will divorce 35-year-old Rossano Rubicondi who she wed a scant 7 months ago. Shockingly, the persistently moist-looking Italian reality-show lothario was photographed tonguing down some other good-looking blonde lady. I’m thinking of a term… it rhymes with schmeenuptial schmagreement…

On the topic of money, in these grim economic times, let us take a moment to forgo empathizing with the common man and his more common Wal-Mart worker trampling counterparts to pour some (sparkling box wine) out for the DUMB RICH.

Let’s face it, as a ratio of monies, the swells got deflated BIG TIME. So much so that at this year’s Millionaire Fair (my God, the fantasies of rappelling into THAT heist) in Moscow, Premier Yachts couldn’t GIVE their louche vessels away. Seriously. They threw in a 10-footer “Gift with Purchase” for every 18-foot yacht sold. TO NO AVAIL. I know. Somebody call a wambulance stat! In summation, let’s all say a prayer for those faux chinchilla clad folks who this holiday season will be hit most brutally-money grubbing, gold-digging ho bags.

"No, I like, LOVE you."