The Year in Super Unsurprising News (Tardy Edition) #5: Uggs Still a Scourge.

When: Since the first ratty-haired-Australian-surf-hippie-bogan-sheep-shagging-jobless-wonder shuffled down the beach in shearling sock boots.

What: The UGG and its abject fuggliness still being flung at my line of sight the second I leave my house regardless of where I am and the climate.

Rant: There is nothing I can say of this foul-ass foot mitten that hasn’t been said before. The only point of contention I feel merits discussion is that I’m DISGUSTED at the shoe industry for not coming up with a comparable alternative functionally speaking. You can wear these everywhere, with or without socks, they wick moisture yet remain toasty and sadly they are virtually indestructable. Plus, they’re expensive enough that hoarse-voiced Long Island japettes can use them to exert power over their chubbier, less rich friends for only being able to afford the knock-offs (PSHAW! They’re not supposed to be baby blue.).

Lesson: It’s 2009, the job market is in the shitter. All the unemployed people should put their heads together, take some online courses and form a cabal of seamstress-cum-cobblers to make a replacement shoe that is versatile and comfortable and not trashy. There’s a huge gap in the market. Why are Crocs for obese families, Clogs for spinsters and Uggs for people who buy entire ensembles from Victoria’s Secret’s Pink label? Someone needs to fix this and it needs to happen NOW.