The Eargasm I Most Certainly Did NOT Have Last Night.

Boo, boo, boo.

Ironically, I do not enjoy being a hating ass hater. It just comes naturally when I’m presented with things that suck. Like last night’s American Music Awards.

I don’t want to make too big a big deal out of this, so I’m going to do a pro/con list and leave it at that.

THE HATED

• Beyonce’s performance. Why? Because I’ve seen it 307 times already. Get some new shit, B. You’re not even a single lady anymore. I would have been satisfied with at least a medley. I thought you were gonna go into some funky shit, but it was really a chorus reprisal over a different beat. And I don’t like being tricked by performers I love.  My friend Chuck says, “it looks like Beyonce’s performing and Sasha stayed home.” I agree. That boring crap had me tighter than your Dereon jeans. You’re on probation.
• Mariah’s everything. Remember when she was a small-chested skinny awkward thing with frizzy mulatto hair and a chubby, happy face? She was humble and awesome. Curiously, however, the more attention she clearly craves, the more boring she becomes. It’s like her fame-to-appeal ratio only exists positively in Oppositeland. Perhaps if I’d closed my eyes during the performance, I could enjoy the singing and not be bothered by all the ridiculousness that was Nick Cannon’s useless cameo, her inexplicably expressionless face, and that effing wind machine. Bitch don’t go nowhere without her wind machine.
• Kanye West’s everything. Make music, K. Don’t ever speak. I want to enjoy you, and your “I So Totally Am Baby Jesus” rants make loving you very difficult. You’re much like an abusive boyfriend in a Lifetime movie, beating my brain with your nonsense, then producing a great album so I come crawling back. That crap needs to stop.
• New Kids On the Block’s performance. To say I didn’t sing along would be a lie. But you guys really do sing just as badly as you did when I was rocking out to you as a kid.
• Rihanna’s performance. I can’t say I didn’t drink a little bit of the Rihanna Kool-Aid, but I did drink a little. So yea, I like some of her songs. But I also know she’s a useless performer, and I’m not afraid to say it. She can’t sing all that well, and we all know she can’t dance, but she’s quite gorgeous and cute and lovable. But the aforementioned flaws mean I can do quite well without her walking around like a zombie in a Slick Rick eye patch spouting booboo about rehab. No, no, no.
• Kanye’s performance. Kanye, since you think you are the best thing since sliced rapper, I expect much more from you. Tricky camera angles did not excuse the fact that your performance was sub-par compared to what you’ve been putting out this year. Boo.
• Jonas Brothers everything. Why are you famous? I do like that one song, but since I don’t remember the name of it and wouldn’t download it, it doesn’t count. Same for Taylor Swift. I don’t get you.
• T-Pain’s entire existence in entertainment. Yea, his songs are fun to sing along to, but he is tantamount to a walking BET. In plainer terms, Barack Obama: 9287364892634 steps forward; T-Pain’s presence in anything media: 98267348972634986234 steps back. You do the math. I believe the children are our future, and T-Pain is making me consider a hysterectomy.

THE TOLERATED

• B’s performance outfit. It was just cute. And I’m big on unnecessarily glossy chesticle when appropriately displayed.
• Miley Cyrus. She finally grew into her Similac teeth and mildly sexed it up for her performance. It was cute and I loved her. Budding teen dreams, take note: you don’t have to look like a complete whore for kids to love you and adults to appreciate you. I look forward to [hopefully] not being inundated with pictures of Miley’s drunken crotch shots for years to come.
• Annie Lennox’s performance. I said to Kenyatta, “I’m not sure if her performance was that good, or if I just really love Annie Lennox. Actually no. It really wasn’t that good of a performance; she’s just awesome.”
• Christina Aguilera’s everything. She’s fine after just having a baby, and she performed all her old hits. I sang along and thought the awards ceremony was getting off to a great start. Little did I know it would end up sucking complete ass.
• New Kids On the Block’s performance. Well, I said I sang along, didn’t I. I even did the dance to “The Right Stuff.” You know it too. Don’t front.
• Rihanna’s outfit. Why did everyone hate it? I thought she was cute and it was a perfect look for her. I am completely dumbfounded by the ability of people to hate on her outfits and have nothing but rave reviews about her music. Perhaps everyone is in Oppositeland as well, one town over from Mariah.
• Ne-Yo’s performance. Good move adding that graceful red dress lady. She was on fire. A decade or so ago I would have set my sights on being her. So, kudos.
• Leona Lewis’ performance. She was painfully awkward, but it made her real and I loved it. She’s just a cute girl with a really great gift and isn’t really sure what to do with her body, and that’s cool. It’s what made everyone love Mariah, before she became a creepy lady Tron. Not to be confused with Ladytron, a fantastic duo.
• Sarah McLachlan/Pink’s performance. It was simple, the singing was great, and they didn’t try too hard and fail epically, like almost everyone else. In fact, I loved it.
• Alicia, Queen Latifah, and Kathleen Battle’s whateverthehell. I’m not sure what it was about. I didn’t like it or dislike it, but I don’t have a “…what??” category, so it’s going under Tolerated.

THE MISSED

• A Justin Timberlake performance. You are fine as wine and talented to boot. Your award presentation was a disservice. I want some singing and dancing (or loving, but the first two are more realistic… or are they?), or you may as well just stay home. Don’t make us anticipate the awesome, only to replace your awesome with some craptastic crap like Taylor Swift’s “I Can’t Sing” crap and Mariah’s “I Can Sing, But Everything Else That I Do Sucks” crap. It’s just not fair
• A Chris Brown performance. He can dance his ass off, and he always goes over the top. If anything, it would have gotten serious ratings.
• Britney, bitch.

Ratings for the American Music Awards are lower than ever, and now I know why. Everyone needs to step their damn game up. Most of the awards given out were undeserved, and then I had to remember/understand that the AMAs are pretty much run by teens. And teens like crap. So maybe that has something to do with it. Except my 15-year-old sister came to spend the night and watched the AMAs with me, and she hated them too, so maybe she’s a cool kid or maybe… maybe the AMAs just sucked. Even Rashaun agrees… but he hates everything. So, you tell me.