Movies That Will Suck, Based On Their Names Alone

As this year’s Oscar race proves, there’s been a dearth of great movies recently.  In fact, most movies have been rather shitty and there’s even more on the horizon.  Thankfully, you can weed through some of the trash just by their names. (Inspired by Shahendra’s post on rappers a while back.)

High Kick Girl

As you can imagine, it’s about girl who kicks high. Brought to you by Fuyuhiko Nishi, the Japanese dude behind Shaolin Girl, about, you guessed it, a girl who’s a shaolin-trainer.

The Expendables

… which just about describes the group of “actors” in this workout video “film.” Stallone. Statham. Lundgren. Li. Couture (that’s Randy Couture, resident UFC meathead). Mickey Rourke just signed on as well, so they filled their “wrestler” slot, albeit rather cheaply. But why not go for broke? Get Ahhnuld, the Ultimate Warrior, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Brian Bosworth. Pacman Jones is available, too. It’ll be like Ocean’s Eleven but with gunshots instead of dialogue, gunshots instead of loungey jazz music, and strip clubs (Pacman’s natural habitat) instead of casinos. In other words, epic.

Oh yeah, written and directed by Mr. Stallone.

The Minis

This one’s kinda vague so you might investigate further.  Then you discover Dennis Rodman is in it.  And what’s a Dennis Rodman film with Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Street Fighter:  The Rise of Chun Li

First off, the first one was the plague *cough* Jean-Claude Van Damme *cough* so the words “Street Fighter” should be banned from movie marquees. Second, it’s about Chun Li, favorite character of just about no one who played the games (emphasis on played because SF hasn’t been good since Genesis days). The only characters anybody remembers is Ken and Ryu.

If the producers just wanted to find a shitty vehicle to give an Asian actor a lead, why not give the Indian dude with the Stretch Armstrong complex a film instead. Third, (and I digress) Brett Ratner and Uwe Boll are not involved so you can’t blame this on them.

But on the contrary…

Lesbian Vampire Killers (peep the preview below) will be awesome.

-Devin Chanda