Worst Actors of ‘08

Eight performances we’d rather forget that we saw this year.

8. Mark Wahlberg, The Happening and Max Payne
Poor Mark Wahlberg: a little over a year ago, he was sitting in the front row at the Academy Awards ceremony listening to his name being read as one of the five Best Supporting Actor nominees for his role in The Departed.  This year, only one group will be honoring the former Marky Mark’s work–the Razzies.  It’s not just that Wahlberg was unfortunate enough to headline two of year’s dumbest movies he also delivered career-worst performances in both.  In fact, the only thing of value he did in 2008 was inspiring that awesome SNL sketch, “Mark Wahlberg Talks to the Animals.”

7. Owen Wilson, Drillbit Taylor
One hates to kick a guy when he’s already down, but what the heck happened to Owen Wilson?  Things started to go haywire with the lame 2006 summer comedy You, Me and Dupree and bottomed out with this Judd Apatow-produced teen picture, which was released in the wake of Wilson’s much-publicized alleged suicide attempt.  Not to read too much into behind-the-scenes things, but the guy does look like he’s in physical and emotional pain throughout the film.  Of course, maybe that was simply due to the fact that he had to act out this awful script everyday.

6. Hayden Christensen, Jumper
Whenever people bash Hayden Christensen’s work as Anakin Skywalker in the last two Star Wars prequels, I have to remind them that he was being directed by George “Actor Slayer” Lucas, who has the ability to turn the best performers into big blocks of wood. Unfortunately, the guy doesn’t do my argument any favors with his charisma-free turn as a rebellious teleporter in Doug Liman’s boring would-be blockbuster.  In fact, Christensen is so obnoxious, you actually root for bad guy Sam Jackson to succeed in killing him off.

5. Ben Barnes, The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
The second installment in The Chronicles of Narnia had a number of problems, but the biggest may have been the fact that the filmmakers cast a blank-faced bore as the titular hero.  Although Barnes has the look of a teen-friendly matinee idol–what with the flowing hair and sensitive features–he’s an incredibly mediocre actor with no discernable personality to speak of.  Maybe that’s the realy reason Disney ultimately decided not to go forward with the next Narnia flick: they’d have to bring Barnes back again.

4. Seth Rogen, Pineapple Express and Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Before Knocked Up came out, many speculated that there was little chance of its pudgy star, a goofy Canuck named Seth Rogen, becoming an A-list actor.  Based on his awkward follow-up performances in David Gordon Green’s Pineapple Express and Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno, I’m inclined to agree.  Don’t get me wrong–I generally like Rogen.  He’s great in Knocked Up and ruled on Freaks and Geeks back in the day.  But these two performances proved that he requires a lot of hands-on coaching when tasked with carrying a film.  Maybe he should stick to supporting roles for the foreseeable future.

3. Ziro the Hutt, Star Wars: The Clone Wars
I didn’t think it was possible for George Lucas to dream up a more annoying and offensive character than Jar Jar Binks, but the Bearded One managed to pull it off.  Introduced to us as Jabba the Hutt’s uncle, the flamboyant Ziro runs what appears to be a nightclub/brothel on the capital planet Coruscant, where he swans around in feather boas and speaks in a bizarre New Orleans-style accent.  The sight is at once both horrifying and fascinating–like a car wreck that you can’t look away from.

2. Martin Lawrence, College Road Trip
Martin Lawrence hasn’t been funny for at least a decade now and this relentlessly dumb road-trip comedy finds him at his paycheck-cashing worst.  His performance is so lazy, he willingly allows himself to be upstaged by a squealing pig.  No wonder Lawrence doesn’t appear to have any 2009 projects lined up yet–who would want to cast him after this debacle?

1. Nicolas Cage, Bangkok Dangerous
Remember the crazy Nic Cage who yelled his way through movies like The Rock and Con Air?  I miss that guy.  These days, we’re stuck with a wax statue with a horrible toupee and sizeable gut.  Bangkok Dangerous found the Oscar winner sleepwalking his way through the part of a top assassin who makes the mistake of taking one last job before retiring from the game.  Naturally the assignment goes haywire, but Cage never seems too worried.  Then again, it’s possible that all the Botox has left him unable to change his facial expression.