Top 8 of ‘08: Worst Holiday Gifts

By Danielle Cheesman Jan 3, 2009

All Gone displays all of 2008’s greatest sold-out products in one 256-page book. Created and published by La MJC Agency, the series features every product sorted by release date, with a descriptive highlight written by famous photographers and original artists. And here’s a doozy: Whilst the book showcases limited-edition goods, it, in itself, is an exclusive, as only 1000 copies are being produced.

Nothing quite says “I Love You” like a gift reminding someone of all the hot shit you didn’t get them.

Expected reaction: Recipient uses book as catalog while making next year’s wishlist. Gifter’s foot makes way towards mouth; no longer appreciates irony.

Supervision is an electronic budget diary that scans receipts, charts money coming in and out, talks(?) to your bank, and gives you monthly expense details.

A constant, hand-held reminder of your financial straits? I’m pretty sure empty pockets do that all their own.

Expected reaction: Recipient hires hacker to empty Gifter’s bank account using new fancy-shmancy device.
6.

Four types of commemorative Coco Chanel coins were recently minted — two are silver, two are gold, and each hold the denomination of 5 euros. The price tag for the most expensive gold coin is €5,900. That’s an 117,900 percent markup on its face value – a well-made investment in today’s market.

Karl Lagerfeld claims, “There might be less of it, but money can still be beautiful.” Unfortunate reality: Man believes it, buys for wife, fails at attempt to not end up sexless that night.

Expected reaction: Wife sobs uncontrollably at loss of savings. Children don’t go to college.

Burger King partnered up with Ricky’s to produce Flame, the burger-scented body spray. The cologne is formulated to smell like “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat.” One thinks: “5ml. $3.99. What’s to lose?”

Answer: If you decide to wrap this up and present it to a loved one with a serious face and no back-up gift: everything.

Expected reaction: Recipient immediately uses Flame as mace. Strangely gets in mood for Whopper.

Attn: Public
Why was Flame sold out at every Ricky’s location in New York, only a week after its release? Clearly, you’ve confused the holiday with April Fool’s.

The Flying Alarm Clock is exactly what it looks like. When it sounds at the set time (P.S. it’s programmed to produce the noise of an effing siren), the plastic propeller launches into the air and flies around the room.

Btw, no snooze escape. The sound cannot be stopped until you retrieve and return it to the base station.

Expected reaction: Recipient tires himself out looking for missing propeller. Falls back asleep. Creates vicious (REM) cycle.

The Gangsta Babies, made my Mezco Toyz [sic], are Pookie, Rey Rey (you know, from around the wayway), Benjino, and Big Deuce. They spend more on accessories than you do on your car, fool. If you have time, decipher the cryptic doll description: “Babies be trippin’, man!…These 10-inch hoodlers are A-Listing in the playground. Rockin’ fab-tastic clothing and so much baby bling that other rug rats can only catch their vapors. Pookie’s a green-eyed baller. But don’t make him cranky…Featuring a thermal shirt, t-shirt, dew rag, ring…”

Also, this set of 4 is called “Series 1.” *Holding breath*

Expected reaction: Recipient makes the Pook-man cranky. Gets popped. Pimped-out pacifier-style.

The $1,400 TwoDaLoo side-by-side toilet seats boast a modest wall in between, but clearly don’t take into consideration the invasion of (facial) female privacy a man-stance can will cause. An upgraded version includes a seven-inch LCD television and iPod docking station.

Upside: Eco-friendly! Conserves water supply all with one flush.

Expected reaction: Recipient couple breaks up. Felt smothered.

(However, duality does seem to be a theme this season.)

“Sniff, sniff. I made a stinky!” says this season’s $59.99 animatronic Baby Alive, whose stomach, like your grandpa’s, fails to agree with green beans. “Be careful,” reads the Hasbro doll’s promotional literature, “just like real life, sometimes she can hold it until she gets to the ‘potty’ and sometimes she can’t!” (A warning on the back of the box reads: “May stain some surfaces.”)

No one deserves this.

Expected reaction: Recipient force-feeds Baby Alive waiting for it to create skidmarks on all Gifter belongings.

-Danielle Cheesman