Reads a lot of self-help books
- Independence for Dummies spawned the creation of his “label” Get-Low Records
Plays online poker under the pseudonym “1 Hit Away Whole Career”
Wears Iceberg clothing with depressing frequency
- It helps him pretend he lives in a decade when he still had a shot
Does magnetic refrigerator poetry every morning
- Raps these non-sensical poems in attempts to evoke Weezy’s random genius
Goes to Jury duty
- Never votes guilty or not guilty in a inane attempt to not snitch
Rocks all the latest fashions…a season late
- Because that’s how hand-me-downs work
Waits till Jay and Diddy turn 50 and have a nightly act in Vegas
- Hopes to be the Sammy Davis Jr of their Rat Pack, but fears he’s Peter Lawford, or worse yet, Joey Bishop.
Competes in an underground Etch-a-Sketching circuit
- Still hoping to produce a piece that Jay will put next to the Basquiat.
Listens to Coldplay
- Still doesn’t get it
Waits in line when he goes clubbing
- Can’t get in because du-rags violate dress code
Tries to figure out this whole vlogging thing
Sells Jay’s sweaty performance towels on eBay
Silently feuds with LeBron for stealing his boo (and hype man duties)
- Also frustrated that Kanye thought of doing a “Big Brother” record before him
Works on State Property screen plays
- Still trying to write one Beans will read
Battles Lil Cease every Wednesday afternoon on the handball court to feel better about himself
Plays bones in the park with OG Juan, Biggs and Jaz-O
Hits yard sales for vintage velour sweat suits with Ghostface
- Still amazed that Ghost can wear 4 tees, 2 hoodies, a leather winter coat, long johns, Timbs, 2 du-rags and a beanie in Mid-July. Okay, well he understands the du-rag part.
Writes Beyoncé hate mail
- Listens to Jay’s verse on the “Diamonds are From Sierra Leone Remix” to feel better
Watches “Dr Phil,” “Ellen” and “Sabrina The Teenage Witch” daily
Changes his number when D-list reality show recruiters track him down
- Staving off irrelevance is a full-time job itself!
Checks his Friendster profile
- Tries to find his music on Napster. Can’t find Napster.
Eats the lunchables and pudding cups Jay leaves in the fridge
Washes Mr. Carter’s Phantom
- Looks for foreign coins in the seat cushions
Does character development consulting for Turtle on HBO’s Entourage
Calls Jay and whines “Jigga man, why you don’t buy me Reeboks no more?”
-Lukas Brekke-Miesner
