Fiction, exaggeration and imagination. These are the things that create many an awesome movie. As we sit in our couches, at the theater, or anyplace with Wi-Fi, movies transport us to different worlds, place us in another person’s shoes, and introduces us to new experiences and destinations. But where it gets tricky is defining the fiction from the reality, where many contemporary films take place. While the storyline may take us on a magic carpet ride outside of our known perceptions, these stories are usually set in very real places. So when it comes to separating the fact from fiction, movies also have the ability to warp our perceptions of very real places, especially if we’ve never been there. In other words, with grand journeys to new places also comes grand delusions.

Take New York City for instance. Concrete jungle where dreams are made, indeed. With all of the movies about “making it” set in New York City and the thriving, infectious bustle of the grind, viewers unfamiliar with the famous city are swept up by the hype. And who can blame them? Well, I don’t. I blame Hollywood. I blame the location scouts, the directors, and whoever else put these silly delusions into our head that New York City is the lofty land for dreamers who want to make their dreams come true. According to movies, that is the case, but once the silver screen is gone, the truth is that New York City isn’t the place where dreams just come true simply because the exist (unless you come with the means to supplement your living, ie. well paying job or well paying parents.)

No, my friends, New York City is the place you come to test out your dreams to see how hell bent you are in making them come true. A dream torture chamber of sorts, each and every one will be tried and tested, usually by those who have undergone the same exact process and come through battered, irrevocably damaged, yet victorious nonetheless. Some people are made for that, and some are not. Neither dream or dreamer is better than another, per se, but if New York City is your destination of choice and your personal life goals are your dreams, then you better check yourself before you head to the big city. Do some real research and stop mapping out your future based on the highly fictionalized lives of Carrie and Charlotte, Serena and Chuck or Love & Hip Hop (yes, reality has fiction aplenty.)

Visit the city for more than a weekend, and head to the neighborhoods that you’ll actually be subject to live in. Wait for a J train at 3AM at the dirtiest subway. Walk through Times Square, Penn Station and other tourist heavy areas at rush hour during the Christmas holidays. Ask the most non-interested pedestrian on the sidewalk for directions, or just smile at them. This isn’t to say that New York City is all things dirty, mean, and irritating. But prepping yourself for the worst and projecting and aiming for the best is a much better game plan than relying on the images given to us by movies alone. So do the research and keep a very flexible mindset. If not for the sake of your future sanity, then at least for the sake of your dreams.

Just this week, the original video for the house-y Crookers remix of KiD CuDi’s hit “Day N Nite” finally leaked. Shot some time last year before a bigger-budget version, it amazingly only cost $250. To directors BBGUN’s credit, it isn’t all that bad-I mean, it could pass for about a $2,500 video-and it surely isn’t alone in offering solid entertainment at a fraction of the cost of some formulaic Little X booty and rims joint. Thus, here are some of GIANT’s picks for the best cheap-ass videos in recent memory.

Fat Joe, “Hey Joe”

Another recent cut, the Gabriel Hart-helmed clip is just a clean, black-and-white, ride through a grimy BX.

Kanye West, “Can’t Tell Me Nothing” (Oldham/Galifianakis Version)

Zach G’s spoof didn’t require anything other than himself, his suspect-looking homey, and some shit you can rent at Home Depot.

Kanye West, “Flashing Lights”

Assuming Kanye probably got Spike Jonze to direct this on a friend discount and they didn’t, in fact, burn a real fur coat, the only expensive thing was probably Rita G’s breast implants-if she didn’t get them done in Brazil.

DMX, “Get At Me Dog”

Hype Williams’s epilepsy-inducing visuals didn’t show much other than DMX in some Tim boots at The Tunnel. So the video itself probably didn’t cost much-only to have Hype’s name attached to it. Or maybe Hype did it on the free because of the Belly link. Who knows, but we do know that crack is cheap, at least.

The Roots, “Birthday Girl”

The Patrick Stump singing easily made the track god-awful but the clip is probably best known for introducing Sasha Grey to non-fapping hip-hop heads (and in turn making them fapping hip-hop heads). Practically any other video from director and cheap-video extraordinaire Rik Cordero could make this last.

It was bound to happen ever since Nike threw $90 million at LeBron some six years ago (going on seven). At the time, Bron was being labeled “The Chosen One” by Sports Illustrated and rocking the #23 in green and gold to suggest that he was, in fact, the heir apparent.

Over the years, we’ve seen Bron transform into the physical behemoth that may one day overtake MJ’s playing legacy. For sneakerheads, though (like myself), it’s been highly questionable whether or not he-or anyone for that matter-could overtake MJ’s kick game. Penny failed. So did Kobe. And Iverson had a spark when he started, but Reebok’s just plain ol’ garbage.

Back to 2003 when MJ hung it up for the last time, his last on-court signatures, the XVIIIs, were simple yet luxurious and of course, technologically forward-thinking-everything associated with Jordan Brand. Since, the designs have been rather head-scratching, from the woven cover guard of the 19s and the clunky space-boot look of the 20s-Who knew space boots would catch on, word to Kanye? -to the straight up half-assed 24s AJ 2009s.

Recently, pics of the AJ 2010s (25s) have surfaced. They have a window/eye smack dab in the middle of the shoe to represent MJ’s ability to “see through the competition.” The shit just looks like a goddamn hole, patched up with mesh. It’s the bottomed-out low point of the declining franchise (a charge once leveled at the 15s).

As for the LeBrons, they’ve evolved from the outlet-ready Air Zoom Generations to the Flightposite-esque 4s to the underwhelming 5s and 6s. But now we’ve reached numero seven. Out for some time, a looming all black colorway (probably cosigned by Jigga) is the zenith of the line thus far. After misguided, space-shoe abortions like the Huarache 2k4s, the LeBron 7s represent some of Nike Basketball’s best design work since (surprise) 2003, when ballers were blessed with the Zoom Ultraflights and Zoom Flight 2k3s (just wear tube socks).

Compared to those lightweight triumphs, the 7s are on the opposite side of the spectrum in terms of build (veering towards the Nike Total Foamposite Max in terms of proportions). Yet one look at the shoe and it’s clear that this is Nike’s signature shoe, perhaps across all lines. The feeling is similar to the one you had when you first saw the XIs, XIIIs, or even XVIIs-that this was the work of the best designers in the world. And if there was any confusion, it’s now evident that LeBron, not Kobe or MJ, is the face of the brand, Nike’s signature athlete.

Can’t say it didn’t take a while, though. By shoe number seven, there had been the iconic Air Jordan Is, IIIs, IVs, and VIs. The hit rate for the LeBron line hasn’t been quite the same but it’s finally his time. Maybe things will transpire on the court similarly.

Platinum plaques cover every inch of the walls welcoming visitors to Downtown Music Services. The names under the shiny vinyl read Michael, Madonna, and Barbara, to name a few.

That we find William Griffin, now-and better-known as Rakim Allah, here at his manager’s office in downtown Manhattan serves as a reminder of his standing. Never one to have owned the Billboard charts and a decade removed from his last full-length offering, Rakim could’ve been written off as a titan of times past. However, like the other aforementioned single-named talents, his place in music as a whole-cemented by his genre-defining debut Paid In Full at just 19 years young-is assured and everlasting.

Now a father of four young adults, the 41 year-old sits calmly in a conference room, dressed in 501s and a black leather jacket, looking like he just exited the set of “When I B On The Mic.” With Yankee memorabilia all around, directly over Rakim’s head hangs a blue championship flag for the famed 1949 team. The likes of Joe DiMaggio and Yogi Berra suited up in pinstripes then, weaving their legends into the fabric of New York City. As perhaps the greatest at this New York invention that is hip-hop, he, too, has his legend sewn.

Finally ready to release his comeback effort, the upcoming The Seventh Seal, Ra opens up about his absence in-depth, from his departure from Aftermath to his take on his natural heirs. Peep the technique.

GIANT: Since your last album in ’99, was most of your time was spent with your family?

Rakim: Yeah, G. I used to go on tour and fly home every week just to be with my kids. And that’s what brings me joy at this point. When I ain’t touring, I really just like chillin’ with the family. It don’t matter if we just sitting home doing nothing.

GIANT: So what’s a normal day like for you?

Rakim: I get up in the morning… can’t tell you what I really do in the morning [laughs] but I get up in the morning, do a couple things, and I take a hot shower. And depending on what kind of work I gotta do, I just like letting the day kinda squeak by. I try to take shit as slow as I can. If I ain’t got no work to do, I might play around with a little music. And if my son plays video games all day, I might play a little Madden or something. I just try to be as normal as possible.

GIANT: Well, since you’ve been gone, TV has kept your music fresh with songs like “Don’t Sweat the Technique” appearing in Finishline ads, etc. With declining record sales facilitating that kind of usage, how do you feel about it from both a creative and financial standpoint?

Rakim: Well, the good thing about that is hip-hop is everywhere now. The bad thing about the decline in sales is there’s really nothing we can do about that but keep the genre alive. But when you look at where hip-hop came from to where it’s at, it’s like you can’t do nothing without hip-hop. I was sitting in the crib the other day, watching ESPN, man, and Kobe Bryant pops up on the screen for a basketball videogame and “Don’t Sweat The Technique” starts playing. Turn the radio off or the music videos off, and we’re able to go outside of the box and still hear hip-hop.

We got hip-hop slang being used by politicians, so it’s everywhere, which is good. But we gotta save it, though-keep that integrity up so that people take it serious. Then, maybe they’ll respect hip-hop as a real music genre and sales will start going back up.

GIANT: When Jay-Z was retired, a lot of rappers took shots at him and his standing in the game. You more or less occupy the same space as him. Why do you think nobody took similar shots at you on wax or in the press?

Rakim: I don’t know, man. Maybe because my situation is a little more… like, I never wanted to retire. I just had setbacks in my career that prevented me from dropping when I wanted. But I think Jay is at the forefront and he lets people know he’s at the forefront everyday. So once he starts saying he wanna fall back, or whatever he say he wanna do, he’s gonna be scrutinized. But me, I was just a little more laid back with it. I let the people say that I was that dude. And Jay is that dude, but he lets the people know he’s that dude, so it’s just that people are waiting for him to fail. People are just mad skeptical of everything he do.

GIANT: On to Dr. Dre, the story goes some of the beats from 50 Cent’s Get Rich or Die Tryin’ were originally for you.

Rakim: Well, what it was is Dre had a library of beats made before I came through. It was just one of them things where Dre will be like this [slides plate of food over to interviewer], “Try that out.” And if you don’t like it [slides plate over to friend], “Try that out.” If it don’t come out right, he just keeps passing it around until it fits. Like the beat for Mary J… [starts humming beat]

GIANT: “Family Affair”?

Rakim: Yeah, I had that track first. That’s the way Dre do. If he got eight beats he feel is hits, he’ll pass them to his camp until he get a hit off of it.

GIANT: So when you were working on the album, how did you feel about it shaping up around Dre’s signature sound?

Rakim: I think the main problem with me and Dre was what he wanted me to say on the tracks. Dre got a formula that he like to stick to because that’s his formula. It works for him. It just so happens to be gangsta rap. And that was the thing. Every time he passed me a beat, he’s like, “B, I want you to talk shit on that one.” I’m like, “What you mean talk shit?” He’s like, “Remember that shit you was telling me in the studio the other day?” I’m like, “Nah man, that was something that happened in the hood. And I just so happened to be talking to my man and happen to tell you, but nah, that’s not something I’m going to put on wax, man.” But that’s what Dre wanted me to do, man, in a nutshell. He wanted me to speak about a lot of the things he heard about and some of the things we spoke about, but to me that’s sacred. I got people that’s trying to get outta jail now, man-people that’s doing 25 to life trying to get a trial and things of that nature. Speaking on that is not gonna help them one bit. Like I said, his formula works for him. It just wasn’t good for Rakim at the time.

GIANT: So where did you envision the album would go when you first hooked up with him?

Rakim: Originally, I just wanted to make a good album and not have to worry about where I was getting my beats. I wanted more of a conscious album than a gangsta album.

GIANT: Another thing, you take a look at Rolling Stone and you’ll see Bob Dylan on the cover. But you take a rap magazine and you won’t see yourself or a KRS-One on the cover. Why do you think that is?

Rakim: Rap is today and like any newspaper, a magazine is trying to show you today. It gets to a point where they do their history thing and reflect back, or if an old artist happens to drop something new, I think they give him that love. But I think it’s more of them trying to be fresh and speak on what’s going on today and tomorrow. In a way, that’s not good because in our genre, we don’t leave room for an artist to grow.

You look at R&B at the 2009 Grammy Awards when my man Al Green came in and tore it down and he ain’t drop a record in forever [Editor's Note: Green's last album, Lay It Down, was released in May 2008]. Ain’t nobody in there cared, though, because that’s Al Green. In R&B, they keep up that integrity. With rap, we gotta follow some of the leaders that was in front of our genre to know how to keep it strong and to keep it valuable. If you was to let new artists come out and throw them in the garbage after so many years, rap won’t be as strong as other genres because what makes R&B what it is, is Al Green to Alicia Keys. You got that whole span of music that you can go back and listen to, and I’m sure out of all that, you can find something you like. With rap on the other hand, they just want you to listen to what came out last year. So, that’s what’s stagnating us, and that’s what’s allowing our substance to slowly die out and people to look at rap like it’s just a fad music.

We gotta respect what we got, respect what we started, and cherish it, and not let nobody else dictate how this is supposed to be done. We don’t have no spokesman for rap. We don’t have no guideline for rap. We don’t have no rules and regulations. So, until somebody get a committee and try to put some things in order, it’s gonna be handled a little unprofessional. I’ll say it like that.

GIANT: Older heads usually call Paid in Full the greatest hip-hop album ever, but cats who are slightly younger might say Illmatic. How do the two albums compare to you?

Rakim: Well, yeah, that’s what it is. When I dropped Paid In Full, my audience was in tuned with the movement and what was going on. That’s what made it a big album. Nas used to come to the studio when I was doing Follow The Leader. You watch people that see a movement and then you watch them come with their movement.

I don’t get mad when the times don’t play in my favor. A lil’ while ago, somebody asked me how I felt about what Jay said on his new record. For somebody to come out and it’s their time to say, “Well, we doing like Rakim did,” then I can’t find nothing negative in that. If Jay say, “Follow the leader,” what he’s saying is he’s the new me. You know, I feel good. It’s almost like James Brown. James Brown did his thing, and years later, people started picking up his records and sampling them. For a minute, James might’ve felt bitter. But you can’t tell me when he sat down and said, “These little rap bastards is sampling all my shit,” he didn’t think, “Yeah, that shit is hot!” You know at some point he realized his shit was so hot that we couldn’t leave it alone. It’s the same thing with me. Every now and then, I get a little upset. But at the end of the day, I sit back and say, “Yeah, I must’ve did my thing for this dude to come out with a brand new single and he’s talking about he’s the new me.” At the same time, he keeps me alive.

GIANT: Since you fathered a lot of cats’ styles, which emcees do you feel have carried on the torch?

Rakim: It’s a couple cats out there, but I don’t wanna say their names. They might take it the wrong way. I think the style that I brought out was… I don’t know if it was a transitional time where we was coming out of one era of rap. When I came out, Run [DMC] and them was hitting. It was just when I came, talkin’ what I was talkin’, it was just at the right time. I think it kinda caught people off-guard. Everybody else was rhyming one way, then I came out rhyming a different way. I think they gravitated to it. I think it was time for that next concept and I just happened to be there at the time. Yeah, you got a lot of rappers that kinda grabbed onto it but, man, I don’t wanna blow nobody’s spot up.

GIANT: You gave birth to a lot of cats’ fashion sense as well with the Gucci leathers and all that. Where did you pick that up?

Rakim: I kinda got that straight from the street. I was watching what people was doing in the hood. You walk up the block and see what sneakers everybody’s wearing. After a while, you got an idea of what sneaker is winning right now.

The Gucci stuff I got from Supreme Magnetic. He was doing his thing back in the day. Back then, it was only a select few that could afford that Dapper Dan thing. Everybody now talk about how it was fake, but back then, to kick out $3,500 for a suit, ain’t nothing fake about that. You know, it was the style. It was us bragging. We was like [motioning to all black leather jacket], “Yeah, check this out, baby paw. We got the Gucci all over the Timbalands.” And everybody know they wasn’t making Gucci Timbalands, but it was just that we could do it. We felt good, like [snaps fingers], “Throw the Louis Vuitton on there for me. Yeah, put it on there, too. Gimme that jacket, yanamean?” It was that door to say we can go through there and open that up. So, it was more of a swag thing than having the real thing. You just gotta get in where you fit in, do what you do, and stick to your guns.

GIANT: How did you take the rapping to a next level when no one else had done it?

Rakim: Umm, it was the weed, man [laughs]!  Nah, nah. I grew up on music and I played in the band when I was young. I kinda got deep into the theory of music, like, I knew how to read music. I played instruments and shit. I think that, with my little bit of vocabulary that I had, man, and my hunger for more vocabulary-I think that with knowing the meaning of time and space, music as well-I think that pushed me to sound different and to affect people differently, yanamean. Then, once I knew that I had a little something, then I started going at the concepts. I think my thing was to try to converse with the people, like almost put myself in their shoes to the point where as they was listening, they can put themselves in the song. So I think that concept is what made me write in a different perspective. What it was, like why I don’t seem all that to me, is because what I was doing was just writing what the streets was thinking. And I think at that time, nobody was conveying the message from the street. It was rap songs, then. I think I came and started making the people feel I was talking about them or made them feel the records. That kinda tied the whole thing together, man.

Black is always in style and has many practical fashion benefits..not to mention that its beautiful, it’s sliming, matches everything and can be an approitae color to wear in almost any situation. But the music game seems to have embraced the idea of All Black Everything as a fashion statement, attitude and overall sometimes creepy undertone of songs and their subject matter. You can always bet on black, and the music industry has taken to the dark side in more ways than one. Is this just a passing semi- goth phase or is the darkness hovering over the industry here to stay. Where did all the colors and happy songs go?

I Break The Rules So I Dont Care

Remember when RiRi used to sing happy upbeat songs that made you want to smile and take an island vacay? These days the princess of the new Roc Nation has undergone a dark transformation that has garnered her much attention and success. When Jay-z decided lil Ms. Sunshine needed a new image he ordered her to nix the good girl thing and push her bad girl side to the limit. Now Rhianna is edgy and borderline suspect with her new R-rated themes and songs like her newest single Russian Roulette,Barbed wire and all Rhiana has embraced Jay’s declaration of all black everything without a doubt…thoughts, looks, lyrics and all. It is clear that Rihanna’s R-rated persona enjoys the shade.

A Beautiful Nightmare

There is no denying that Beyonce has transformed herself into another person literally but with that transformation has come some extra shade. Before she was crazy in love, she was singing about independent ladies and bugaboos. Now Mrs. Carter has some pigmentally challenged things on her mind. Looks like that ambient Jay might have slipped her has some strange effects because she cant decipher the difference between a dream and a night mare. Her video begins with horrible shirking and sounds like a thriller copy-cat, either way Beyonce might like to sing about halo’s and all but its clear she’d prefer to turn the lights off.

Love and War

In the aftermath of heartbreak there seems to be little light at the end of the tunnel for Amerie. When she first arrived on the scene she was asking to fall in love, but her new album Love and War shows that sometimes love ain’t easy and the war will ensue. Like her other R&B counterparts she has embraced the edgier side, broke out the smoked eye make up and is looking like all kinds of dark wars are going on in her heart. Amerie is dimming the lights on the beauty of love and showing that sometimes you can’t always put on a happy face. Her single “Why R U” makes you wonder what she would do if she could dim the lights on her feelings.

Crawling Back to Love

Chris Brown has reason to wear remorseful colors and look like he is in deep thought. After that nonsense he pulled with Rihanna taking baby steps back to love seems like a good plan. In this case, all black everything seems appropriate for his current situation. Hopefully his morning period will prove redemptive for himself and fans alike, at least “Crawl” has a decent message and is pretty apologetic. Fading to black was a good call on C.Breezy’s part.

Leather Jacket All American Bad Boy

Lil Wayne’s strangeness ceases to amaze  for many reasons but in the spirit of celebrating darkness in his collabo with Drake Uptown he gives a special shout out to black leather jackets, black sun glasses and being a bad boy. Black does give an air of mystery to any situation so given that Wayne is so concerned about people finding out about his secret success potion in that infamous cup of his, all black leather jackets and bad boy persona seem reasonable. Maybe Wanyne should put the cup down and step into some light, but not the light of his alien space ship.

My Brain is Wired Wrong

Looks like Rhianna isnt the only one teetering on the edge. Leona Lewis is trying to keep herself alive in her song “Suicide.” Heart break is not taking it easy on her, but at least unlike the Roc princess she is hoping to be saved. Maybe one day she will find her happy place because between her bleeding love and almost jumping, it sounds like she needs a hug.

There are not many things in our current economy that are recession proof, but the ice on a chain can outlast any tough time. Although talking about ice, bling, freeze or whatever else people are coming up with to call their beloved girl’s and guy’s best friend is now a dying fad, it is fun to look back on the good times. When musicians had nothing else to talk about expect the temporary blindness they incurred as a result of their jewelry addiction, fans were wishing for the Robin Leech lifestyle with a few cold pebbles to match. Although denial is usually not a good look, we are going to take some time to flip the bird to this recession and talk about the best songs that rep for unnecessary extravagance in addition to giving a nod to the cold weather thats on its way. Ice talk can bring a smile to any one’s face.

Repping the Ice for Love

Teairra Mari:Diamonds

Teairra Mari proves that talking about bling isn’t all superficial. She wants to love her man just as much as she treasures her diamonds because after-all,they are forever. This former ROC princess used to throw her diamonds in the sky with Jay. Even though she has switched labels she made sure to bring along her love for the ice. If bling can bring you closer to your man, why not shine and love at the same time?

Longevity Matters

Kanye West: Diamonds Are Forever

Kanye’s book is not the only thing he owns that will Glow in the Dark. Known for being quite the fashionisto, he is never one to be without essential accessories and we all know that Yezzy loves his multiple diamond incrusted Jesus pieces. It’s common knowledge that diamonds are forever but Kanye made it a point to dedicate a full 3 minutes and 33 seconds to his VVS lifestyle. And it turns out that bling is also representative of the enduring success of the ROC label his diamonds represent. His diamonds are alive every-time he rhymes and with that said, no one’s bling can top the everlasting iciness of Kanye’s freezy power.

Flirting with Ice
Fabolous: Diamonds in My Damn Chain

If you can’t get girls at least you know once you come up on some diamonds you will be able to pull a few. Fab makes a case for blinging your way to love lust. According to Loso, if you want a good chain of events don’t leave the house without bling in toe. Dating can be awkward and meeting girls in the club can be a tricky task, but trust fellas, if you do like your boy, Fab and get real icey the ladies will start relaxing. Diamonds might not be the key to a lasting relationship, but they are the key to loose women cooperating in the club.

Keeping it Simple

Smitty: Diamonds on my Neck

Smitty is not exactly a word smith, but he is explaining all the varied activities he is able to participate in while having diamonds on his neck – which can be positive. This song illustrates bling’s ability to work well in all kinds of unique and compromising situations. Diamonds do not have elastic qualities but the flexibility concerning the moments where they are appropriate can translate into almost anything as Smitty demonstrates. I guess he is keeping it simple and letting the ice speak for itself here. Guess you can’t knock the hustle.

Prerequisites
Lil’ Kim: Diamonds

The Queen B is taking her royal status to the head on this song. It seems that she has some pretty specific demands in terms of her gentleman callers. According to the Notorious K.I.M the only thing better than money is diamonds. Along with the bling this song gives a laundry list of other outrageous high priced items she expects from her male company. Its surprising that she had time to make that long list in the middle of accusing every rapper for copying her eternal love Biggie Smalls (even though she pretty much re-raps all his hot lines in ALL of her songs). Maybe Kim and Fab should get together, he has the bling to meet her Diamond standard.

A Smile on the Rocks
Nelly: Grillz

Forget  working hard or balling on a budget, just follow Nelly’s advice, rob the jewelry store and tell them to make you a grill. Don’t aim to be a Crest Kid, head to your nearest mall and cop some jewelry cleaner. A great smile is a wonderful asset and what better way to let your words speak for themselves if they have diamonds to back them up? If you are on the Nelly plan, pictures won’t be the only thing worth thousands, a cool mouth piece will have you blinding people with your smile, literally.

Shining From Miles Away
Cash Money: Bling Bling

Its not a coincidence that Lil’ Wayne runs around talking about money all the time. Back in the day before he was leaning and baby making full time, he was spitting about blinging something serious in Nola. Every time he came around your city it was bling bling. Cash money’s creative conscious was focused on one thing and that was out blinging every one. There is no doubt that Nola’s finest brought the idea of dreaming, wishing and talking about ice to a whole new level. In the 90′s every one was seeing diamonds thanks to Weezy and his crew.

The Originator
Prince: Diamonds and Pearls

All hail the great Purple one. Before talking about bling was an industry standard, Prince was singing about two times the jewelry. Noting that diamonds are just an accessory and that love is the master plan, this epic song reminds us that diamonds, pearls and even the world don’t add up to the sum total of good ol fashioned love. The Artist formally know as an unpronounceable symbol takes the high road by down playing the importance of bling and gives big ups to tender love and care instead. A wrist full of diamonds…millions of dollars, A slew of Pearls…thousands of dollars, Prince reminding us all that love shines brighter than them all…Priceless.

True to their namesake, rhyme slayers Slaughterhouse-Crooked I, Joe Budden, Joell Ortiz & Royce Da 5’9-recently linked up with GIANT to discuss a slaughter of another sorts: quality meats. Over an early lunch at the Texas-flavored Hill Country in Midtown, the quartet tried their best to enjoy some good BBQ while adhering to the strict rules of dining etiquette-not quite easy when consuming such eat-by-hand foods as ribs. Peep the results below:

And for something Slaughterhouse is better schooled at: the art of the cipher.

You can catch Slaughterhouse on tour across the country with Tech N9ne through November 21^st. Their debut album is in stores now and a follow-up could very well involve Eminem and Shady Records, with negotiations currently on-going between the two camps..

Credits:

Filmed by Eric Swiecinski

Edited by Adrian Fernandez

In the cold case files, you’ll find unexplained events,circumstances, or disputes. Here at GIANT we don’t believe in leaving things open and unsettled. So I have set fourth to review all the evidence and render a verdict on this specific topic. Go there with me if you dare!

On October 6th on The Monique Show, two of the remaining members of B2K (Fizz and Boog) performed their new single “Bounce.” They looked great and seemed to be making a lot of progress in getting their careers jump-started again.This takes me back to the controversy and blasphemy of their 2004 dispute with Chris Stokes. 

On December 26, 2007 the ex-manager of boy group B2K, DENIED sexual molestation allegations that were brought up against him by DeMario “Raz-B” Thornton. For those that do not know, B2K bursted onto the scene in 2001 with their smash single “Uh Huh.”

The group consisted of four members: Omarion, J-Boog, Lil’ Fizz and Raz-B. Their ages all mellowed around the 15 year mark, but their fans ranged anywhere from 11 to 23 years old (I would know, I was a huge fan!).With this perfect combination of height, weight, dancing, appearance, and vocals they brought us hits like “Gots Ta Be,” “Bump Bump Bump,” “What A Girl Wants” and “Girlfriend.” Both their albums went certified platinum and their movie You Got Served grossed over 40 million dollars at the box office. With all that success you would think that the young men that once claimed to be “Boys For Life” would be able to stay together. That wasn’t the case though; in January of 2004 the heart throbs called it quits. While some blamed it on the lead singer Omarion, the rest of the group blamed it on Chris Stokes! According to J-Boog, Raz-B and Lil’ Fizz here’s what happened:

(Evidence Entry #1):     

The boys themselves discredit Chris Stokes character by calling him manipulative, maneuvering, controlling, and greedy. Chris Stokes was already black listed in the entertainment business for being shiesty.

Setting up business trips on Christmas? Taddle-Tailing for clothes,brownie points and special attention? Getting in trouble for eating chicken? A cult? No sleep? WTF?!

(Evidence Entry #2)

Raz-B’s brother Ricky Romance had this to say about his cousin Chris Stokes(Allhiphop.com):

For more of the letter, click here...

and this was from a family member…

(Evidence Entry #3)

Raz-B is allegedly on the phone with Chris Stokes sister.

(Evidence Entry #4)

Watch this video of body language perception, it shows you 5 ways to tell if a person is lying…

Now watch Raz-B…

Is he looking a little too much to the right?

(Evident Entry #5)

-Omarion to MTV

There is something seriously wrong with the state of Omarion’s mentality if he believes that Chris Stokes means no harm to him, and that he is a father figure.

(Album Credits from first album(B2K)

As you can see the foolishness going on here^ is exactly what B2K was talking about. Marques Houston has been reaping the benefits from B2k long before they even broke up.

(Evidence Entry #6)

Verdict: GUILTY on all charges!

Chris Stokes robbed B2K. He broke up homes and families, he ended the career of one of the biggest boy bands in the 200o’s and managed to take all the credit for starting them. If Chris did molest the boys,he should be held accountable for his malicious intentions and actions.

Continuing on last week’s post on the best low-budget clips, GIANT has decided to also give you a quick rundown on the worst offenders in straight-to-World Star exploits. After all, it’s a lot more fun goin’ off on craptasticness than it is to give props, right?

Busta Rhymes, “Arab Money”

Rik Cordero might be the master of the cheap video, but here he decided to go a bit bigger, with green-screen overkill, resulting in the most ridiculous looking trip to Arabia since Aladdin’s stereotype-filled journey.

French Montana’s Videography (minus “New York Minute”)

“Welcome To The Breadshop” featuring various weedcarriers

It’s hard to decide whether this is the worst video ever… or the greatest. The concept was simple: stick Frenchie and the homies in a kitchen and let them throw flour on each other. Yet, they still find a way to raise the bar for ignorance, with Hennessey coming out of the papas fritas fryer and Frenchie rockin’ stove mittens. Even Jiffy gets some shine.

“Plenty Money”

Take “Plenty Money,” for instance which passes off some dude filming Frenchie, Dame Grease, and the rest of the Coke Wave doing much of nothing, with some stupid scribble flashing across the screen to give it that grimey effect.

Oh yeah, Free Max B.

Charles Hamilton, “November 10^th“

If you want proof of why Charles Hamilton is the lamest rapper since ever, well here it is, with this made-for-Disney ode to Sonic and friends.

Juelz Santana and Skull Gang, “What You Reppin’”

The textbook shitty rap video:  cats walking around, waving money with their leased whips. Jordan Tower at his best.

THROWBACK: 50 Cent, “Heat”

Classic track, cool concept. But I guess this was made before the money started piling in for Fif.

By now, the ghetto fabulous sight of Kanye walking the VMAs red carpet with Hennessy in hand should be burned in your brains. It was awfully surprising, given the caliber of artist of Kanye, to see him openly swiggin’ from the bottle—we expected something like this out of, say, Weezy or Juelz, although they’re known to be a bit more discreet with the contents of their Styrofoam cups.

But in hindsight, it shouldn’t be all that of shock. Rappers have always loved Hennessy and still do. Kanye just happened to glorify the phenomenon a bit too much-or he just forgot a flask, though I’m not sure they make ones in that size. As a result, we here at GIANT have chosen to explore rappers’ love affair with the cognac du jour.

Best Henny-Inspired Moment: Kanye Making Taylor Swift Cry

Well, obviously. Homey pulled an ODB and he wasn’t even dusted. Though Kanye can’t be justified in that Taylor’s video was probably more “for the children” than Beyonce’s, there was no video better than Bey’s, at least in the eyes of a guy who’s seen numerous females try their scantily-clad best to reenact said video. And technically, it was pretty on-point, too.

Best Overall Use of Henny by a Rapper: Uncle Murda’s Self-Medicating

When used in conjunction with menthols, Hennessy is the equivalent of world-class public private health care. Shot in the head early last year, Murda bragged during an interview with Wendy Williams that he was easing the pain with Newports and his favorite cognac.

Best Henny Name-Check in a Song: Mobb Deep, “Drink Away The Pain [Situations]”

My man P put me on to the shorty henn rock…

A classic cut from a classic album, Havoc continues the song-long metaphor of tasty beverages as golddiggin’ “bitches” (his words), but this time, it isn’t all fun and games, as Hav despondently raps:

But enough of that, I got the shake so I need that/
Son caught me stressed out I just be that…

Best Song Entirely About Henny: Mac Dre, “Bleezies-N-Heem”

Trust a Left Coaster (Bay Area head, no less) to somehow come up with “Heem” as gansgta code for Hennessy. They did give the world “Thizz,” after all. Mac Dre gets the nod because he’s dead now-and all dead rappers occupy GOAT-status once they die.

Best Phrase Involving Henny Coined By A Rapper: “Henny-head Mu’f**kas”

Because that guy up there said it.

When 50′s video for “Flight 187″ (below) hit the net last week, it was hard not to roll your eyes at 50′s attempt to draw yet another rapper into battle, this time Jay-Z. In the past two years alone, we’ve seen the jabs at Kanye after losing the well-documented sales battle, the constant Wayne-baiting, and of course, his forays as porno-narrating Pimpin’ Curly in his attempts to discredit Rick Ross.

As Wendy Williams stated recently, “people don’t care anymore” about 50′s new album. It’s certainly hard to argue against Wendy, with  failed single after single from Before I Self Destruct, from “Get Up” to “I Get It In” to “OK, You’re Right.” Outside of those cuts, the majority of 50′s recent output-a return to “aggressive content” as Curtis said repeatedly-has been some of the best music in years from the Queens rapper, beginning with 2008′s “Return of the Body Snatchers” mixtape and most recently his “Forever King” tape. Yet with the standoffish bully image he’s carved over the years, the only attention paid to his music has been centered on whom he’s dissing.

The timing of 50′s diss came at a time when the buzz surrounding BP3 was at its zenith (in other words, when it leaked). Coincidentally, it also comes at a time when a common enemy has also been taking shots at Jay: The Game. Early in the summer, The Game first came with the super-disrespectful “I’m So Wavy,” stepping up his efforts to get Hov’s attention by jumping on a track with longtime Jay-Z foe, Jaz-O. But as Jay says numerous times on his latest effort, he has no time for anyone still throwin’ rocks at the throne. It might get a little hard to ignore, though, if both 50 and Game could conceivably reconcile for a united attack. Stranger things have happened in this here hip-hop (i.e. Mase’s entire career).

50 almost needs to elicit a response from Jay-empty shots from Fif could only serve to heighten the growing sense that he’s becoming increasingly relevant. And at this point, Before I Self Destruct needs some serious traction before that title figures itself redundant. Another “I Get Money” could definitely work-but perhaps another “Takeover” would be best.

Earlier this week, it was announced that uncontrollably horny UFC fighter and resident meathead and headcase Quinton “Rampage” Jackson was to play B.A. Baracus in the upcoming A-Team movie, the role that made Mr. T famous enough to star in 1-800 COLLECT commercials and pave the way for Carrot Top to follow in his footsteps.

Unfortunately, MTV reported a couple days later that Rampage wouldn’t be Bosco (B.A. actually doesn’t stand for Bad Ass). The rap world rejoiced, as The Game and Common have been linked with the role, and we all know they’re trying to keep their blossoming movie careers going strong after career-defining performances in Belly 2 and Terminator 4, respectively.

If a rapper is being considered for any movie role for that matter, you know one of the names in the Kangol hat is Ice Cube, and probably even Ludacris as well, though the work of one Mr. Bridges tends to skew more towards drama (read: shoot-’em-up, bang-bang).

Now, I’m not old enough (read: 40) to have seen the OG TV series, but anyone looking to emulate Mr. T has to meet certain criteria. First, a Mohawk. Second, the ability to not look like an idiot while rocking a ridiculously large gold rope. Third, fast, aggressive, unintelligible speech (jibber-jabber). And lastly, bad aim with guns.

Now, a lot of rappers over the last two years have rocked Mohawks (and looked like clowns doing so), but the most natural would be Yung LA, only because he still chooses to do so though that look should be buried by now. Now, with the gold rope deal, the only folks who did it right were Rakim and Kane, and I doubt Hollywood’s looking for anyone in the over-40 club that hasn’t been relevant for a decade.

Unintelligible speech? Shit, Gucci Mane and OJ Da Juiceman have that on lock, but reading movie scripts might be beyond their intelligence levels if Young Jeezy was right about them on “Kobe, Lebron.”  When you think about, Wayne makes for a good candidate-when he’s sippin’ on that sizzurp, that is. He tends to then get his Mushmouth on, as proven on “Can’t Believe It.” And we know Wayne can’t aim a pistol if his life depended on it.

Though figuratively speaking, The Game always has a knack for shooting himself (in the foot) as well-beefs with 50 and Jay-so maybe he’s the ideal candidate, as he covers most of the bases.

And he’d look like a natural doing this:

Let’s face it, celebs are often ahead of us when it comes to rocking the latest styles. But that doesn’t mean it’ll look good on the rest of us. Some celeb fashion should really just be privy to a few ‘special’ folk. We’ve rounded up a few celeb fashions that are definitely in the ‘do-not-try-this-at-home’ category.

Acid Wash Jeans
Teyana Taylor is working real hard to bring this style back. And we say, ‘meh’. The sight of acid wash jeans still conjures up scary memories of Vanilla Ice and neon ‘crazy laces’, and who wants to go back there?

Meggings
A few dudes got a little too inspired by women and their cut-off leggings. So, like Omarion (pictured here with Chris Brown and Polow da Don), they’re joining in the party and rocking meggings, as in ‘man-leggings’. But seriously, are couples gonna be borrowing each others leggings now?

Onesies
We always thought onesies were reserved for babies and Broadway musicals. We can’t help wanting to put a bib on Lady Gaga. And while we’re at it, girl, it must be a mission to go to the potty in those?

Pantslessness
The idea of rocking your boyfriend’s oversized shirt has always been cute…in the movies. But this season celebs like Vanessa Hudgens are taking it to the street. All we have to say is, girl, GO put your pants on y’all.

Pasties
Voluptiuos girls need not apply for this look. Rihanna can pull it off because, well, she’s Rihanna.

With the leak of two Timbo-produced joints from The Blueprint 3 confirming the tracklisting that made its way to the Internets last week, Jay-Z stans everywhere have been up in arms when faced with the reality that a follow-up to the ’01 original will lack production from the likes of Just Blaze (or Bink! for that matter), while also featuring newcomers such as KiD CuDi and Mr. Hudson. In a perfect world, here’s what the tracklisting to the feverishly anticipated album would look like:

1. Hand It Down Part 2 (Featuring Pain In Da Ass and J. Cole) (Produced by DJ Premier)

If President Obama was the hip-hop fan he claims to be, he’d pass a law mandating that every Jay-Z album begin with Pain In Da Ass doing his best Tony Montana impression, with a beat provided by Premo.

Jay also seems intent on letting J. Cole get some shine seeing as homey got on BP3 with only one mixtape to his name. At least this way, he’d do it in classic style. Hell, Jay wouldn’t even have to write his verses.

2. D.O.A. [Death of All Y'all] (Featuring T-Pain) (Produced by No I.D.)

The OG joint had Jay biting his tongue a bit too much. T-Pain on the hook would serve notice to everyone except for the rapper-turnt-sanga to kill that Auto-Tune’d noise. And then Hov could slip Pain one of his trademark build-you-up-and-break-you-down subliminals, kinda like what he did to mixtape Weezy.

After going at Auto-Tune, Jay could turn his attention to Jaz’s bum ass once again, as well as the always disrespectful Game (their new Hov diss is heat rocks, btw).

3. Run This Town (Featuring Beyonce) (Produced by Rich Harrison)

Forget Rihanna and her attempts at singing. Hov should’ve got at B, so she can be all up in the video (I’m thinking something along the lines of “Single Ladies” here) for this surefire radio single meant for z100.

And remember how go-go was supposed to be the next big thing in hip-hop? It didn’t quite pan out that way, but Jay can take another stab at it–after “Jockin’ Jay-Z” failed to get more spins–by recruiting the man best suited for bringing the sound (Harrison), thus rekindling the musical magic between Hov and his wifey.

4. Empire State of Mind (Featuring Nas) (Produced by L.E.S. and Wyldfyer)

Ms. Keys is cool and all, but early reports had the Lil’ Homey on the track instead. L.E.S. and Wyldfyer should handle the beat, as they’ve already been responsible for two of the dopest collabos between the two formerly feuding emcees. And it’s always entertaining to hear Nas continue to throw shots at Jay even when they’re on the same track.

5. Off That (Featuring Drake) (Produced by Timbaland)

This track is actually not that bad. Here, Jay gets all the money talk out of his system, all the while tapping into the Lil Wayne demographic with Drake’s cameo (i.e. the high school chicks who actually throw down on tix to see the “America’s Most Wanted Tour”). Oh, and Timbo spazzed on this beat.

6. U Don’t Know Part 3 (Featuring M.O.P. and DMX) (Produced by Just Blaze)

It’s the only series of songs to make the first two BPs, so why not the third one? Adding Crackhead Earl to the mix should up the ante (no pun intended), even if Danze and Fame ripped the beat to shreds already. This shit right here, though, would really make cats wan’ go and commit felonies.

7. Hate (Featuring Kanye West) (Produced by Kanye West)

Going by the title at least, this joint seems eerily similar to that cut from BP2 when a hungry Hov was rapping like he “got a chip on [his] shoulder the size of the Golden Nugget in Vegas.”

8. Real As It Gets (Featuring Young Jeezy) (Produced by Don Cannon)

Another actual cut from BP3, Don Cannon should be behind the boards for this instead of The Incredibles. Cannon usually brings out the best in Jeezy. Not to mention, he’s like a poor man’s version of Just Blaze so this would sorta help to fill the necessary Justin Smith quota for a Jay album.

9. Guess Who’s Back Again (Featuring Scarface and Beanie Sigel) (Produced by Kanye West)

“This Can’t Be Life.” “Guess Who’s Back.” “Some How, Some Way.”

10. Another Murder (Hidden Guest Verse) (Produced by Just Blaze)

“Back to Shawn Carter the hustler, Jay-Z is dead.”

Building on the theme from the Volume 3 standout, it’s the perfect way to end the Blueprint series, as Jay shifts roles from artist to robber baron executive.

So, naturally he’d have to pass the torch to someone right? J. Cole seems the right business move being a Roc Nation artist, but the natural heir is someone with actual Rocafella pedigree who isn’t best suited for weedcarrying duties (or in Hov’s case, washing his Jay-Z blue Lex bubble Maybach). Hence, Young Chris to close out the show.

And Just would have to produce this last track, after crafting the perfect sendoff for Jay with “My 1st Song.”

So yes, only ten tracks. Isn’t the GOAT album the true hip-hop blueprint, anyway?

Yesterday, Mack Maine (currently fulfilling weedcarrier duties on the America’s Most Wanted Tour featuring America’s most hated, Souljaboy) broke the news on his Twitter that Omarion, one of the guys from the black Backstreet Boys B2K had left Young Money Entertainment. It was only a matter of months ago that he signed and now he’s gone. Maybe the whole weedcarrying schtick wasn’t for him (In related Wayne news, word is that Wayne’s Canadian tour dates were canceled this week b/c his caravan of drugs couldn’t make it across the border.)

So what’s a marginally talented R&B singer to do when you get dropped from the only label that signs everyone? The following:

1. Get the band back together.

He probably wouldn’t wanna holler at Chris Stokes (no Raz B), but if he can get the rest of his chest-barin’ homies to crank out a few records, a resurrected B2K will do good touring strip malls and swap meets.

2. Make a sex tape with a groupie video vixen.

It worked so well for Ray J he got a VH1 show and the hook on a song with Yung Berg.

3. Do stuff involving vampires.

From Twilight to True Blood, bloodsuckers are all the rage right now. Who knows, maybe some genius in Hollywood will greenlight Son of Blade.

4. Land a role in the latest Bring It On film.

Omarion could flex his acting chops-previously highlighted in such stunning work as You Got Served. I mean, Christina Millian thinks it’s a great career move. And she knows a thing or two about good career moves.

5. Eat Vaseline on YouTube.

That’s how we started caring about Stephon Marbury again.

*This is applicable to any R&B singer. Yes, you Joe, Jaheim, and any other sanger-turnt-unemployed that’s out there.

Note to celebs: The economy is in bleeding, fa real. Just peep your latest concert ticket sales. Sure, schlepping it out and cutting back on your morning latte routine is cool, but we need you out there, doing what you do best: Spending money. And you know what? We’re no longer gonna throw shade when we see you on yet another European vacay, because we realize you’re doing your part. So here are five informal economic indicators of how celebs are doing their best to help boost the economy.

They dine at expensive restaurants
Jay-Z and Beyonce recently shared a romantic dinner at Nello, a swanky upper East Side eatery known for its hefty prices and clientele with even heftier pockets. Here, celebs drop upwards of a $150 for a meal for one. Add to that the notable wine list, and you’re on your way to a $600 date.

They still don’t fly economy
Paps recently snapped Rihanna at the 34th Street heliport returning from a weekend in the Hampton’s; a ride that averages about $2,500. And that’s just one-way.

They shop at high-end boutiques
Yeezy and Amber Rose recently went on a shopping spree at H.Lorenzo in LA. This high-end boutique is the go-to spot for LA’s fashion elite looking for avant-garde designers like Ann Demeulemeester, Viktor & Rolf and Junya Watanabe, whose t-shirts start at about $195.

They sleep in expensive-ass hotels
Rihanna makes her exit from the exclusive Gramercy Park Hotel. A night at the chic midtown boutique hotel costs anywhere from $600 – $2200.

They still pop bottles like it’s 1998
Solange and big sis’ Bey recently hit up Hyde Lounge in Hollywood to celebrate DJ Rashida’s bday. Bottle service is the order of the day at this teeny celeb trap, where regulars like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton drop anywhere from $200 to $1000, and that might just be on a slow night.

The first dynasty that always comes to mind (if you aren’t a Jordan stan) is the Roc’s run in the early 2000s. What made it work were the astronomic singular talent of Hov, complemented by the business savvy of Dame (who knows what Biggs did?) to surround Jay with talent from all across the hip-hop spectrum. Kanye held down the backpacking set, State Property held down homies on the block, and The Diplomats the suburban kids diggin’ for what’s good in the hood.

Why the Roc failed was simply the beef between the post and the point—which makes Kanye’s position that much easier since he’s the lone sergeant leading his GOOD Music privates.

CuDi is closest to corporal, with the big single (two years later, it’s still big), and an album looming. Hell, he ended up on the cover of Complex, which is kind of a big deal when you consider it’s usually reserved for artists who’ve made more than one song you and I can name. Maybe it’s the result of Kanye always playing guest editor over there. Anyhow, it’s a good look for one of the minions.

As the story goes, it was CuDi who may have been the influence on Kanye to sing for an entire album. It’s always been my theory that after the mainstream success of Volume 2: Hard Knock Life, Jay got his Beanie Sigel on for Vol. 3 to take it back to the streets. We all know how that turned out. And we all know how 808s & Heartbreak turned out. So let’s call Cudder the Beans of the squad.

Then there’s Consequence, who’s undoubtedly the Bleek of the group. He can sorta rhyme, but he has the star appeal that any hypeman has—none (sorry Banks). But Kanye has Hype Williams directing his latest video, even laying down a few bars for the lead single for Cons’ second album. You read that correctly. Consequence has a second album (a marketing exec’s dream)—all because of Mr. West.

The same day photos from Consequence’s video shoot were released (today, that’s why I wrote this), a video leaked of Big Sean in the studio with the almost-legendary (too complacent to be fully legendary) No I.D., so you know Kanye wants the kid’s debut in capable hands. Sean can spit, and he’s probably the most lyrically adept emcee of the group. His influence might be a small reason why Kanye’s been on the lyrical tip of late. The lyrical young gun pushing the top dog is oddly reminiscent of Young Chris.

Mr. Hudson, well he’s the Kanye. Dame was plotting the hip-hop takeover, but Kanye has bigger plans—pop. Hence, the blond-haired Brit singer who Kanye has tipped to be the biggest artist in the world. He’s thinking global. And with the biggest mouthpiece in the game, Kanye is more than willing to speak on his artists. You know Jay doesn’t compliment anyone, which is why Dame was needed.

My only question is who will hold down the streets? The biggest movement movin’ in the streets has always been the one to break the mainstream wide open. With his clout and the ability to learn from the past mistakes of others, it seems like Kanye’s got everything down pat. But with a clear void in the roster, you can’t help but think he’s skipping vital steps.

Mike Vick to be given the chance to rehab his career in Philly? It just didn’t make sense when the announcement was made last night that the PETA favorite was to be an Eagle, possibly unsettling incumbent QB—Pro Bowl-caliber for the last decade, mind you—Donovan McNabb.

Since Vick was released from house arrest and then reinstated into the league last month, speculation has been rife as to where he would land. Minnesota seemed the perfect fit, with a questionable QB situation as it stands and the league’s best tailback in Adrian Peterson there, who would undoubtedly benefit from the running threat Vick’s legs would pose.

But the football gods had different ideas, opting to have Vick backup McNabb. And that’s all he’ll do. Two years away from the game, Vick isn’t ready to orchestrate an NFL offense—not that he was particularly any good at that when he was playing full-time pre-penitentiary. And as McNabb revealed in today’s press conference (below), there’s no ill will between the two, as PR-savvy Donovan claims to have wanted Vick on the squad. After all, he’s been mentoring Mike since his high school days, he says.

Professionally, the move still seems to be a bad one, threatening McNabb’s position on the field. But really, as someone who’s known Vick for years, McNabb is entirely aware of his ability. And now he doesn’t have to look over his shoulder and worry about some scrub named Kevin Kolb coming in and torpedoing the Eagles’ season if he goes down with injury.

So with that measure of security, McNabb can get back to his old days when he was a running quarterback—kinda like how Mike is. Developing his arm over the years instead, he’s been forced to reign in his running instincts in an effort to stay safe and secure from concussion-inducing tackles. But now, he can let loose and utilize the depths of his talents. And Mike’s chillin’ in the cut patiently waiting to do the same.

Rivalry? Nah. Just some folks figuring out how to make football a friendly game for themselves.

Oh, no! Big Shyne Po, back in the muthafuckin’ heezy, fa sheezy” might be the first thought running through Puff’s head when Shyne walks out of jail after serving eight years in the NY penitentiary system. After all, it’s been said that Puff played Shyne on the way to his own acquittal and Shyne’s imprisonment. Naturally, after losing almost a decade of his life, Shyne may want some type of revenge on Puff. So, come October, for safety reasons—and of course, financially beneficially ones, too—Puff should consider the following approaches.

1. Hop on the last first train to Paris

With Shyne facing traveling restrictions due to terms of his parole, there’s no way he’d be able to chase Puff down across the pond in Paris, or even across state borders for that matter.

2. Hide behind Jay-Z

If the rumors are to be believed, Hova’s thinking about inking Shyne to Roc Nation, perhaps in an effort to keep the crown in Brooklyn—a problem when you consider Fabolous and Memphis Bleek’s careers up to this point.

Puff could even get in on the action and garner some goodwill by throwing Shyne some Grind Music beats for a possible album.

3. Pay his debt to Shyne

Since Shyne took the fall for Puff, the Bad Boy boss should hand over a suitcase full of millions, some of those light-skinned models from the Ciroc ads, make him the spokesperson of Ciroc, give him some Sean John billboards, and whatever else opportunities he has to offer. Shyne would know better than to sign a recording contract with Puff, though.

4. Executive produce Bad Boyz That’s Gangsta

Puff can commission a biopic on Shyne and call up Cheo Hodari Coker to pen it, using Shyne’s music—which in all likelihood Puff owns the masters of—in the film and on the soundtrack as well. The two could then break bread over the box office receipts.

5. Show up at Woodbourne Correctional Facility on October 6th.

Puff should be the first one to greet him there. Granted, Shyne might attack him or the omnipresence of press could sully the moment but if Puff were to offer a helping hand right as Shyne walks out, who knows what could happen? Hell, J.Lo could mediate any discussions.

Since their breakout in ’02, The Clipse have soldiered on as ambassadors of the neighborhood pushas, weaving their intricate rhymes with the synthy sounds of The Neptunes. With their third album Til The Casket Drops looming this year, The Clipse have decided to finally expand their sound outside the grasps of Pharrell and Chad Hugo, also collaborating with the likes of Sean C and LV and DJ Khalil.

“It’s just about growing a little bit,” said Malice backstage at the New York stop of the DIESEL tour last night at Webster Hall. “This is the first album The Neptunes didn’t produce solely, 100%, and plus, the fans been calling out to us. They wanna see us get down on other cats’ tracks so that’s what we did.”

Evident from the first few leaks off Casket Drops, the Thornton brothers have also lyrically moved away from the dark “coke rap” label, cemented in particular by their last album, Hell Hath No Fury, where they rode mostly solo, with the exceptions of collabos with their Re-Up Gang cohorts. With their new lead single “Kinda Like A Big Deal,” the duo has turned to Kanye for a guest spot, as well as Keri Hilson for the most recent leak from the upcoming album. No, they haven’t gone soft, but it seems that after grabbing the respect of the critics, the duo is now shooting for mainstream props.

“I think we pretty much already proved our point,” added the older Thornton brother, alluding to claims they’ve made of being the best rap duo out. “We were never one to mingle and have a whole bunch of different features and allow the features to make up a good percent of the album. So this time, it was good to reach out.”

Though The Roots closed out last night’s DIESEL show in signature livewire fashion (with the exception of their collaboration with the ambitious, yet offbeat Lykke Li), The Clipse provided the biggest moment of the evening by bringing out Kanye West for a performance of the single (view below).

(Spotted at The Urban Daily)

Yet even before West hit the stage, the duo held the crowd in rapture with grimey street cuts such as “What Happened To That Boy” and “Keys Open Doors,” despite the fact that earlier in the evening, those in attendance were vibin’ out to DJ sets including the disco-tinged “Blind (Frankie Knuckles Remix)” by Hercules and Love Affair and performances from electro-hop act Theophilus London and the aforementioned onstage oddball Li.

Pusha T of The Clipse explained the group’s bridging-the-gap nature. “We have a strong voice, a diverse fan base, and people aren’t afraid of The Clipse,” said the younger Thornton brother. “They hear the electro side, as well as all the labels that’s put on us. It’s no biggie. Everybody loves us.”

If the duo stay the course on their current trajectory, Soundscan (or zShare download counters) will provide Pusha the confirmation to support his claim. Last night surely made it seem valid.

A glimpse at Pharrell’s BBC Hunting Pattern Collection will remind you of the fact that rappers (Pharrell gets a pass as one) should not, in almost all cases, dabble with fashion.

Unfortunately, when they do pursue it, not only are the designs poor, but they make them overpriced and exclusive to online-only “boutiques” to hide the shoddy quality of the actual clothing. With brands rolling out their fall collections, here’s a glimpse of what’s on the horizon for existing labels and those that are sure to spring up as they follow in the footsteps of sorely missed Vokal.

CURRENT BRANDS

The Clipse (Play Cloths)

The duo will ditch the hipster set in favor of their natural audience: aspiring street merchants and neighborhood pushas. Cloths’ smuggling-friendly attire — including garments already impregnated with liquid coke! — will soon be seen on every street corner and airport smoking lounge.

T.I. (Akoo)

With Tip in the box until May, prison garb would be more fitting for the king of himself, at least. Mix in his stand-in and Grand Hustle patna Young Dro’s penchant for Sour Skittles pastels and the fall line of jumpsuits will take a decidedly candy paint look.

FUTURE BRANDS

Charles Hamilton (Sonic The Hamilton)

With Interscope forced to shelve his album, the label will look to recoup their investment by packaging a Sonic The Hamilton pop-up book with Tiger Beat in promotion of a tween boutique brand of Sonic tees.

T-Pain (Thr33 Ringz)

Sure to be a staple at swap meet and flea market circuses across the south, Pain’s brand of top hats and ringmaster jackets are necessities of sideshow swag.

Taz Arnold (The Nerdz Gang)

Armed with a Kanye co-sign and a Paris Fashion Week-stealing Leopard print tights, Taz will unleash his future line (named after his kiddie Crenshaw gang), catering to all Liberace-Lupe-She-Ra-Flashdance-Polo enthusiasts — who also happen to be Arabian cowboys. In other words, no one… except for maybe Kanye.

The Dynasty, no not Ming but Shawn’s/ Dame, Kareem’s, it’s the gangsta team,” Jay once wrote, err freestyled, during his BP2 days when a sufficient winning formula was Jay the rapper and Dame Dash and Kareem Burke as the business behind the talent.

Fast forward to ’09 and as Jay readies the follow-up, the new Roc trifecta consists of Jay, ‘Ye, and Rihanna. Simply, the stakes are that much higher—not only to deliver on the promise of the Blueprint franchise in terms of musical quality, but to also put out a radio-ready single that will push the album tremendously in hopes of recouping the $5 million Jay spent to release BP3 on his own terms, free of a recording contract.

Hence, after the let-me-get-this-off-my-chest “D.O.A. [Death of Auto-Tune]” (a la “Takeover”), Hov delivers “Run This Town” (listen below). On her first record since the Chrianna drama, Ri Ri makes the track every bit hers as it is Jay’s, her voice the most prominent part of it. And Kanye—as is probably his M.O. anytime he’s on a track with Big Bro—cuts the swag talk, gets serious, and spits for his life.

Overall, promising. But, just. Surely Hov has yet to play his ace card with an album this big.

-Devin Chanda

With a Diddy album, you know you’re not getting a lyrical masterpiece (unless he takes a cue from Charles “Dukie” Hamilton and were to summon the ghost of Biggie via a séance) but the production would at least be tight. Besides being able to lock down any name in the game like he did on Press Play (Timbo, Kanye, Just Blaze, etc.), he could also turn to his in-house Hitmen squad, including the likes of Sean C and LV who were responsible for the best cuts on Jay-Z’s American Gangster.

However, as per HipHopDX, Diddy’s magnum opus Last Train to Paris is indefinitely shelved according to the man himself. Puff cited not wanting to be caught in the middle of both Drake’s and Jay-Z’s respective buzzes over their upcoming albums, which were set to be fourth quarter releases along with Paris. And so, the project, announced back in February could very well get the repeat push-back treatment a la Detox for the following reasons:

1. The Auto-Tune factor

Even with T-Pain’s blessings, which Puffy stated he had in the bag, it might be a stretch to think he could continue with its use ever since Jay effectively read it its last rites.

2. Who’s gonna ghostwrite for him?

Sure he doesn’t write rhymes, but according to Mad Skillz and a laundry list of other emcees, Puff doesn’t always write the checks either. Plus, everyone’s favorite ghostwriter, T.I., who may have or may not have penned some material for Press Play, is currently incarcerated.

3. The film accompaniment.

It takes a while to make a film—and by film I don’t mean some 30-minute, shot-by-your-homeboy-in-a-couple-of-days joint like Loso’s Way (Skip it, yo). Rumors stated that Hype Williams was set to direct the Last Train film portion but it seems like Hype is always busy shooting some new Kanye joint and knowing Kanye, he’s probably dropping an album any month now so a single or two will need visuals. Not to mention Hype’s last full-length foray Belly wasn’t exactly a blockbuster. It wasn’t his fault though—the Lil’ Homey couldn’t act a lick.

4. The business behind it.

Puff’s a business man, and according to Forbes, a damn good one, too. Albums don’t sell so why even bother? And whatever he has up his sleeve couldn’t possibly come cheap.

5. His fledgling acting career.

The whole Bond thing was never gonna happen for Puff (Idris Elba got it), but there’s always Broadway, right?

-Devin Chanda

Reads a lot of self-help books

• Independence for Dummies spawned the creation of his “label” Get-Low Records

Plays online poker under the pseudonym “1 Hit Away Whole Career”

Wears Iceberg clothing with depressing frequency

• It helps him pretend he lives in a decade when he still had a shot

Does magnetic refrigerator poetry every morning

• Raps these non-sensical poems in attempts to evoke Weezy’s random genius

Goes to Jury duty

• Never votes guilty or not guilty in a inane attempt to not snitch

Rocks all the latest fashions…a season late

• Because that’s how hand-me-downs work

Waits till Jay and Diddy turn 50 and have a nightly act in Vegas

• Hopes to be the Sammy Davis Jr of their Rat Pack, but fears he’s Peter Lawford, or worse yet, Joey Bishop.

Competes in an underground Etch-a-Sketching circuit

• Still hoping to produce a piece that Jay will put next to the Basquiat.

Listens to Coldplay

• Still doesn’t get it

Waits in line when he goes clubbing

• Can’t get in because du-rags violate dress code

Tries to figure out this whole vlogging thing

Sells Jay’s sweaty performance towels on eBay

Silently feuds with LeBron for stealing his boo (and hype man duties)

• Also frustrated that Kanye thought of doing a “Big Brother” record before him

Works on State Property screen plays

• Still trying to write one Beans will read

Battles Lil Cease every Wednesday afternoon on the handball court to feel better about himself

Plays bones in the park with OG Juan, Biggs and Jaz-O

Hits yard sales for vintage velour sweat suits with Ghostface

• Still amazed that Ghost can wear 4 tees, 2 hoodies, a leather winter coat, long johns, Timbs, 2 du-rags and a beanie in Mid-July. Okay, well he understands the du-rag part.

Writes Beyoncé hate mail

• Listens to Jay’s verse on the “Diamonds are From Sierra Leone Remix” to feel better

Watches “Dr Phil,” “Ellen” and “Sabrina The Teenage Witch” daily

Changes his number when D-list reality show recruiters track him down

• Staving off irrelevance is a full-time job itself!

Checks his Friendster profile

• Tries to find his music on Napster. Can’t find Napster.

Eats the lunchables and pudding cups Jay leaves in the fridge

Washes Mr. Carter’s Phantom

• Looks for foreign coins in the seat cushions

Does character development consulting for Turtle on HBO’s Entourage

Calls Jay and whines “Jigga man, why you don’t buy me Reeboks no more?”

-Lukas Brekke-Miesner

“And when I perish,
The meek shall inherit the earth
Until that time it’s on and poppin’”
- Jay-Z, “Lucifer,” 2003

If you take stock in The Game’s recent diss record to Hov, then Jay’s time and that of his contemporaries should indeed be over. With hip-hop in a transition period, a lot’s been made of the next wave of emcees to grab hold of the mainstream, with practically the only rap mag left in XXL offering its definitive statement in the matter with its “Top Freshman of ‘09” back in November.

Two artists included in that list hit the stage at the Nokia Theater in Times Square last night in Asher Roth and KiD CuDi. At first glance, the pair, who teamed up as part of the “Great Hangover” tour, would bring out diametrically opposite audiences—frat boys and hipsters. Oil and water, indeed.

One way or another, the two opposites got their respective co-signs from NY radio staple Funkmaster Flex who opened up on the ones and twos. As an individual who’s supposed to have his ear to “the streets,” his hearing might be in need of a check-up. And spinning 50 Cent’s “I’ll Whip Ya Head Boy” and then signing off with “Party Like A Rock Star” will certain raise more questions about his taste-making talents after three decades deep.

Hot 97 personality Peter Rosenberg also then took to the stage, his comedy routine intact with on-air partner Cipha Sounds. First, he poked fun of the abundance of white people in the crowd, then shouted out black people, and finally signed off, “If you’re black and you’re proud, make some noise!” ‘All in good fun,’ he probably thought, but where’s the pride in that?

88-Key was the first actual performer of the evening. Instead of languishing in the backpacking circles where he made his name producing (and where he would surely be one of the less talented lyricists around), he comes with the stamp of “Kanye West’s best friend,” which he no doubt reminded the crowd of. His decade-in-the-making debut even carried an executive producer credit by Mr. West. Whatever that means. But the crowd didn’t care. West has the charisma, Keys doesn’t, so he was forced to do entertain the crow with jumping jacks and Gwen Stefani-like stage theatrics.

And so, Asher strolled onstage, larkin’ in his go-kart to save the night. At one point, a male fan sat perched atop his buddy’s shoulders. “Somebody just came out of the closet,” pointed out Asher, turning the fan into the object of everyone’s homophobic derision. It was part of Asher’s comedian shtick throughout, but turning against the paying customer should yield a quick about-face from the audience if Asher continues in that role.

Hip-hop music has always been a flyer for the artist’s personality. Even with the importance of image, being the “tough guy” is no longer necessary, as we’ve seen with the popularity of Kanye. In fact, the vulnerable ones have always been the most magnetic—from Pac to X to West. A late model update of his protégé West, KiD CuDi isn’t just vulnerable, he’s self-deprecating. Where Kanye was the underdog boxed into a corner who relentlessly punched his way out, CuDi seems content with sulking, hence tracks like “Down and Out.” Hip-hop has its Morissey.

Yet throughout the melancholy of “The Sky Might Fall” and the like, he kept the same audience enlivened by Asher in rapture until closing with his anthem, “Day N Nite.” Asher was the short upper, CuDi the more satisfying downer.

“I know we facin’ a recession
But the music y’all makin’ gonna make it the great depression”
- Jay-Z, “Death of Autotune,” 2009

In a different sense, Jay.

- Words by Devin Chanda

- Images by Adrian Fernandez

Rappers have been guilty of the skivvies-bearin’ pants saggin’ since the early 90s when even TLC was doin’ it up. It bothered conservatives because it was too asstastic. Now with artists popularizing the tight sag with their preference of blood circulation-threatening skinny jeans, ball-bulgin’ is now another unfortunate result.

56-year-old school teacher Thomasina Clarke has had enough, and rightfully so. According to The Riverfront Times, Clarke has developed Bagg’ns, jeans designed with two waists, one rightly at the waist and another below the ass to retain the sag. Aesthetically, it’s not pretty.  But stranger things have caught on—i.e. wolf tees and tight jeans.

Hopefully some stylists catch the Bagg’ns bug and start outfitting their clients with respectable apparel. Those attached to the following should take note.

Lil Wayne

The choice of white is probably meant to match his Styrofoam cup.

Jim Jones

Cam was always the one with a better fashion sense—like when he wore pink.

Juelz Santana

The natural consequence of sippin’ purp with Weezy and blowin’ purp with Jim.

U-N-I

These West Coasters’ best track begins with the lines, “Mohawk with the v-neck, Skinny jeans with some kicks you ain’t seen yet.” Yep, these guys got it. And by it, I mean an abundance of fail.

- Devin Chanda

When the parents of Roc La Familia split (your call as to who wore the pants), most of the Roc roster faded into deeper obscurity. Others in the Philly clique State Property kept grinding to keep their name in the streets, mainly Beanie Sigel and Young Chris of the Young Gunz. However, Freeway has arguably been on his deen the most, churning out a sequel to his debut earlier this year and the “Month of Madness” mixtape grind involving 30 songs in 30 days in late ‘08.

WHAT WE DO TRAILER (THEATRICAL)

Stepping into the acting combat boots as well, Freeway recently reunited with some of his SP fam for the film What We Do to keep traces of the old dynasty alive by paying homage to his classic track of the same name. The emcee caught up with GIANT to discuss the project, along with the film’s director Tron Anderson, as well as moving forward and the current state of the Roc family ties, despite mom and pops being divorced (however Biggs fits into that equation).

GIANT: What do you make of the song’s legacy, Free?

Freeway: “What We Do” is definitely a big song that impacts a lot of people. I still perform it to this day and I still get the same reaction as the first day I performed it so I definitely feel like it’s a part of my legacy.

GIANT: So how did the film come about?

Tron: I’m a fan of Freeway and I loved the song so I came up with a concept inspired by the song. It spoke vividly of the struggle of what’s going on in the streets—family issues, brotherhood, hood values and all that.

GIANT: With a couple of films under your belt now, is acting a big part of your future plans, Free?

Freeway: Definitely. We’re gonna do What We Do Part 2 and we’re also working on another album called The Stimulus Package with [G-Unit producer] Jake One. We’re gonna do a Stimulus Package movie with the album sorta like what Jay-Z did with Streets Is Watching.

GIANT: What’s the theme behind The Stimulus Package and how will the movie then reflect that?

Freeway: The whole thing with the album is we’re bringing back real hip-hop. We’re what the game is missing right now. I’m not taking nothing away from nobody but we’re bringing it back to where hip-hop was when I was growing up and what I fell in love with in hip-hop and the movie is gonna revolve around that concept.

Tron: We’re gonna give the fans a bunch of vintage rap and visuals along with it, so you put the two together all in one package, making it a “stimulus package” for the common-folk.

GIANT: What is it about that you fell in love with back in the day that you wanna bring back?

Freeway: I just love the realness of it. I loved the fact that when people came out, they had to be hot for you to listen to them—it wasn’t no bunch of bullshit. Everybody couldn’t do it. It was conceptual—it made you think.

Tron: The dance part of it made me fall in love with it. The beats delivered a certain sound that made you break out into a break dance or “cabbage patch,” whatever the case was.

Freeway: And also, when I was coming up, big albums got you to remember what was going on at the time. When Snoop came out, you can remember the mood you were in and what was going on—the part of your life and the things that you was going through. Nowadays, rappers drop albums and it just don’t mean shit. If you wanna drop an album, it’s just another album out.

GIANT: There’s been talk of you signing with Cash Money. Will The Stimulus Package be your first release there?

Freeway: Nah, that’s gonna be on Rhymesayers. The Stimulus Package was already in motion before we started working on that. The Cash Money deal isn’t official yet.

GIANT: Despite Weezy’s success, Cash Money has lost most of its roster over the years. Why make the move over there?

Freeway: Basically, what it is is I got a relationship with Baby and I’m launching my own label called Free Money Records. I feel as though personally that Cash Money will be a nice home for it.

GIANT: What about the rumors of Roc Nation signing State Property? Have there been any discussions?

Freeway: I heard the same rumors. I communicate with Jay but as far as State Property being signed to Roc Nation, that’s definitely a possibility but it’s not official yet.

GIANT: Is SP still a united front?

Freeway: Yeah, definitely. We still all good. I was with Young Chris last night and Beans earlier in the week.

GIANT: What’s the relationship with Jay like right now?

Freeway: That’s Big Homey. Whenever I reach out to him, I get right at him. It’s all love.

GIANT: What about Dame?

Freeway: Dame’s cool, too. I haven’t talked to Dame in a couple months, but last time I talked to him, it was all love—he was doing his thing. Dame’s still good.

GIANT: And how are relations with Just Blaze, who produced “What We Do?”

Freeway: Just Blaze—he’s a good dude. He helped me a lot with my career. I haven’t talked to him in a minute but it’s all love with me and I’m sure it’s all love with him.

– Devin Chanda

Reviews of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and The Hurt Locker

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Directed by Michael Bay
Starring Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, John Turturro
**

I’ll say this about Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen—it’s the closest we’ll ever get to seeing what an entirely unfiltered Michael Bay picture looks like.  Over the course of his career, the divisive director has established his own distinct (some would say, obnoxious) brand of visual pyrotechnics, but he’s always operated under the firm hand of experienced producers, including Jerry Bruckheimer and Steven Spielberg, who reined in some of his baser impulses.  With the second Transformers flick though, the parents have gone on vacation, leaving their teenage son with the keys to the family car, which he promptly drives into a cliff where it explodes in an enormous fireball.

If it weren’t for the fact that its guaranteed to become the summer’s biggest hit, Revenge of the Fallen is the kind of bloated, juvenile career-killer that would send its director from the blockbuster big leagues to the made-for-TV minors.  (Don’t believe me?  Just ask Jeremiah Chechik and Danny Cannon, the former big shots responsible for The Avengers and Judge Dredd respectively.)  Instead, Bay will live to direct another day, especially with Transformers 3 already slated for a 2011 release.  But you can bet that Papa Spielberg will be holding his son’s hand a lot more firmly on that installment.

In a strange way, you almost have to admire Bay for abandoning any pretense of producing a coherent three-act film.  So many blockbusters make cursory nods towards things like character development and thematic complexity when you can tell all they really want to do is just blow lots of shit up.  Bay gleefully bypasses all that nonsense about cinematic storytelling and cuts right to the (literal) chase…to say nothing of explosions, shoot-outs and giant robot brawls.  It would be easier to dismiss Revenge of the Fallen as mindless spectacle if you didn’t get the sense that Bay would wear that criticism as a badge of honor.  In fact, if he had his way, every film he made would undoubtedly be exactly like this one.

Rushed into production just as last year’s writer’s strike got underway, Bay started working on Transformers from an outline that was only turned into a proper script three months before the first day of shooting.  That abbreviated schedule explains why the film’s narrative makes little to no sense; returning screenwriters Bob Orci and Alex Kurtzman (the scribes behind this summer’s other big hit, Star Trek) famously pitched the first Transformers as a simple “boy and his car” story embellished with lots and lots of rock ‘em, sock ‘em robot action.  Revenge of the Fallen, on the other hand, begins with a fairly straightforward premise—that boy Sam (Shia LaBeouf) going off to college, leaving his annoying parents (Kevin Dunn and Julie White, even more grating than they were in the first film), porn-star ready girlfriend (Megan Fox) and excitable automobile (the Autobot known as Bumblebee) behind—and then goes out of its way to make the narrative as unintelligible as possible.

From what I could discern, Sam comes into contact with a shard of the All Spark—the cube that all of the characters spent the previous outing chasing after—which downloads crucial information about the origin of the Transformers into his brain and makes him a fresh target for the Decepticons, led by a newly resurrected Megatron.  After running away from various waves of enemy robots, Sam eventually winds up in Egypt where he has to stop Megatron’s army from activating a machine that blows up the sun.  Or something like that.  Oh, and every now and The Fallen—the villain name-checked in the title—shows up to deliver some vague threat, but consistently avoids getting involved himself.  He’s so lazy and ineffectual, this flick should have been called Revenge of Megatron or, even better, Big Ass Robot Smackdown.

I know, I know—who goes into a Transformers movie expecting a good story, right?  Fair enough, but in that case, why even bother with the human characters?  Why doesn’t Bay just go whole-hog and release a movie that consists of 90-minutes worth of Transformer on Transformer brawls?  Those are the only scenes that the movie’s target audience—teenage boys and adults who still think like teenage boys—cares about anyway…well, that and many, many shots of their current masturbatory object Megan Fox running, jumping and bending over in super slow motion.  (Maybe in this alternate, human-free cut of Transformers Fox could stride around in a barely-there bikini between robot bouts.)  But no, Revenge of the Fallen insists on dragging the proceedings out to an insane two-and-a-half hour length, so that when the film finally ends, the audience doesn’t feel so much elated as beaten into submission.

I’d be lying if I said there weren’t moments during Revenge of the Fallen that made me say “Woah…cool!”  A forest fight between Optimus Prime and Megatron is brutally bad-ass and a cameo appearance by the gigantic Decepticon called The Devestator might make your eyes pop, particularly when seen in IMAX (the real thing—not those smaller, faux-IMAX screens Aziz Ansari has been tweeting about).  But the majority of the action sequences are edited so quickly and chaotically, it’s virtually impossible to discern which robot is being reduced to scrap metal or which flesh and blood soldier just got blown up real good.  The only Transformers that do stand apart from the rest of the cannon fodder—and not in a good way—are Mudflap and Skids, who have already correctly been ID’d as the film’s Little Black Sambots.  Sporting crooked metal teeth and talking like refugees from a UPN sitcom, these Autobots are such brazen, breathtaking caricatures, you gotta wonder if Bay has lost his damn fool mind.

Look, I’m not panning Revenge of the Fallen because I think it’ll have an impact on the movie’s bottom line.  In the time its taken you to read this review, the flick has already grossed a gazillion dollars.  All I can do is make a plea to DreamWorks, Paramount and the all-powerful Steven Spielberg to stop Bay before he can produce a movie this overlong and overblown again.  You wouldn’t hand your teenager $200 million with no strings attached and, based on Revenge of the Fallen, the studio shouldn’t have given Bay the same freedom either.

Verdict: Skip It

————————————————————————————–

Also in Theaters:

The Hurt Locker
Directed by Kathryn Bigelow
Starring Jeremy Renner, Anthony Mackie, Brian Geraghty
***
Most Iraq War-themed films focus on veterans’ experiences back home following their tours of duty abroad.  Not The Hurt Locker, which takes place almost entirely in Iraq and plays more like an action movie than an emotional drama such as Stop-Loss or Home of the Brave.  Written by embedded journalist Mark Boal, the story follows the exploits of an elite bomb disposal team.  While the film’s episodic structure causes it to drag at times, director Kathryn Bigelow stages some of the most tense and thrilling moments you’re likely to see this year.
Verdict: See It

Afghan Star
Directed by Havana Marking
***
Every nation has its own variation on American Idol, but few come with has much inherent real-world drama as Afghan Star, a talent competition broadcast on one of Afghanistan’s few television stations, Tolo TV.  Havana Marking’s insightful documentary follows four of the competitors vying for the title of Afghan Star, including Rafi, a 19-year-old crooner with matinee-idol good looks, and Setara, one of the show’s few female contestants who causes a major ruckus when she dances along to one of her songs.  (Public dancing is still frowned upon in Afghanistan’s strict Islamic culture.)  While Marking glosses over some of the current realities of life in Afghanistan—you never see American forces patrolling the streets of Kabul, for example—Afghan Star shows how far the country has come since the overthrow of the Taliban…and how far it still has to go.
Verdict: See It

The Stoning of Soraya M.
Directed by Cyrus Nowrasteh
Starring Shohreh Aghdashloo, Mozhan Marnò, James Caviezel
**1/2
With all eyes on Iran right now, this dramatization of a real-life incident from that country’s past acquires some unexpected resonance.  In the early ’80s, a young woman in a remote Iranian village was stoned to death after her estranged husband successfully framed her as an adulterer.  The town’s elders attempted to cover up the case, but her aunt was able to recount the story to a foreign journalist who turned it into a best-selling book that serves as the basis for the movie.  The story itself is undeniably tragic and the film is at its best when it simply lets events unfold, building slowly and inevitably to the bloody conclusion.  Unfortunately, director Cyrus Nowrasteh too often lays a heavy hand on top of the proceedings, most notably in the stoning sequence, which is filmed like an outtake from Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ.  Nowrasteh has said that he wanted to communicate the full horror of a stoning, but his excessive use of slow-motion at times borders on comical.  The Stoning of Soraya M. tells an important story—it just doesn’t tell it well.
Verdict: Rent It

The Pink Panther 2 is one of the few movies debuting on DVD this week

The Pink Panther 2
Fox
$30
Blu-ray: $40

Plot: That defective detective Jacques Clouseau (Steve Martin) is back on the case, investigating the latest theft of the priceless Pink Panther diamond.

Opinion: I never bothered to see Steve Martin’s first Pink Panther flick.  Aside from the fact that the ads looking generally terrible, I didn’t see the point of watching Martin—a once great comic talent who has been coasting on his rep for decades now—take over a character that was created for a very specific actor, Peter Sellers.  Audiences didn’t agree with me though, as Martin’s Panther grossed close to $100 million and it looked like the franchise was back in business.  But then The Pink Panther 2 brought the series to a screeching halt when it earned a meager $35 million during its theatrical run last February.  So now that we won’t have to worry about any more new Pink Panther movies, I figured there was no harm in checking out Martin’s second and final outing as Clouseau.  Since I skipped the first movie, I can’t tell you if this is an improvement or more of the same, but I can say that, based on this entry, I have little desire to go back and see what I missed.  It’s not that Martin is a terrible Clouseau; he’s no Sellers obviously, but he’s always been a good physical comedian and performs the film’s numerous slapstick-heavy set-pieces well.  The problem is that the filmmakers have made the mistake of trying to turn Clouseau into a real human being, saddling him with a love interest (Emily Mortimer, a charming actress trapped in a terrible role) and a long-suffering best friend (Jean Reno).  The appeal of the original Pink Panther movies though is that Sellers never cared about getting the girl or proving himself to the rest of the world.  He existed on his own plane of reality and everyone around him had to work to keep up.  Martin’s character may be more likable than Sellers’ version, but he–and the movie–are far less funny.

Bonus Features: A short gag reel and two uninformative featurettes.

Verdict: Skip It

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Also on DVD

Two first quarter box office disappointments quietly slip onto DVD this week, beginning with Inkheart (Warner Bros., $29), a family-friendly fantasy adventure about a father and daughter (Brendan Fraser and Eliza Bennet) who discover that they have the power to make their favorite books literally come to life.  Confessions of a Shopaholic (Disney, $30) isn’t technically a fantasy, but in this post-Wall Street meltdown environment, the idea of dropping $10,000 on designer clothes definitely seems as out there as anything in Lord of the Rings.  Also debuting during this otherwise quiet week is the George Lopez vehicle Mr. Troop Mom (Warner Bros., $28) and the indie documentary Our City Dreams (First Run, $25), a fascinating profile of five New York City female artists that centers around how they’re work—and the city itself—has evolved over time.