So like, who knew a corny show like “Blossom” was actually some super deep, afterschool special-type shit? At least, I didn’t realize this when I was little. But the show I was essentially devoted to back in the day is finally on DVD, and I practically peed my pants when I heard the news. Then I was too embarrassed to actually express how excited I was.

The point is, last Saturday, after a delicious salmon and a few cocktails, a couple friends and I decided to watch a disc or two while it snowed miserably outside. Turns out, this Blossom Russo character was dealing with a lot of real-life shit that no one else on TV was at the time -

• The Russo mom peaced out on the family a few years back to pursue a singing career, so it’s just Blossom, her dad, and her three brothers trying to figure their lives out
• One of her brothers is a recovering drug addict, except he’s only, like, 19, and they like to remind you that he used to be crazy into drugs every episode… I guess so you don’t forget.
• Blossom’s best friend Six (Jenna Von Oy, who later grew up to be that “hot white girl with the big butt” on all the UPN shows) was actually not that cute at all – she was, in fact, that little almost-fast girl that your parents raised an eyebrow at cause they knew, in all their years, that she’d eventually be the first one giving blow jobs to the basketball team.
• Unlike Saved by the Bell, where everyone tried to pretend like high schoolers weren’t experimenting with bad things or that everyone wasn’t trying to bang out Kelly Kapowski, Blossom and her crew talked about sex and hormones ALL the time. They even threw a few gay references in there, which was totally inappropriate for 80s TV.

The point is, even my friend who scoffed at the idea of watching an 80s teenybopper show ended up hooked on “Blossom,” and it’s easily one of the corniest shows on television. And would make an awesome gift for that friend you have that clings to 80s nostalgia and doing nothing on weekends but getting wasted and watching DVDs. Think about it…

$49.99, amazon.com

I’m having a conflict of interest.

A song I couldn’t STAND last week:

• Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put a ring on it)”

A video I LOVE right now:

• Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put a ring on it)”

Some people are hating on it because it’s just her and two backup dancers on an empty white set, dancing in leotards. Most people love it because it’s just her and two backup dancers on an empty white set, dancing in leotards. But as I explained to a friend a couple days ago, the video is amazing because, frankly, Beyonce can do whatever the hell she wants. This video probably cost a grand total of $37 and the costumes somewhere around $150, along with about 10 hours of dance rehearsal MAX, and B has managed to turn a super-shitty song into a seriously catchy tune that makes you want to not only learn the dance, but do it at parties with your friends, even though you won’t, because you’re way too cool for that and so are they.

Unfortunately (but rather strategically, I’m sure), this song/video came out right before Halloween, which means girl and queen trios across America are going as the Single Ladies, and many a weave will be sacrificed during the fights that ensue over who gets to play Beyonce.

Beyonce, you slick genius bitch, i hate you (i love you). Die (I want to be you).

[from about absolutely nothing.]

So, yesterday was 4/20, a holiday known to many people under the age of 35 as National Smoke-out Day. I don’t think anyone really knows who invented it, and if they did, they’ve probably forgotten by now, including the inventors. So if you didn’t know that bit of knowledge before and want to celebrate now, curl up with a good bowl and smoke this book. Err…I mean…

Writers Shirley Halperin and Steve Bloom are the authors of Pot Culture: The A-Z Guide to Stoner Language and Life, a pot encyclopedia of sorts that breaks down every marijuana reference you know, use, haven’t heard of, or never understood. The great thing about it is that it’s not one of those books where you HAVE to be a pothead to enjoy it, whereas most pot novels are for you to peruse while high, for they’d be pretty crappy reads otherwise. However, I read Pot Culture completely sober and not only thoroughly enjoyed it, but felt like I was actually learning something, which is a lot more than I can say about a LOT of cheeba manuals.

By the way, I most certainly am not encouraging the consumption of illegal goods, nor is GIANT. I’m just saying, this book is awesome, and what you do with it is of your own accord.

At any rate, I sat down with co-author Shirley Halperin to discuss the book, the pot fad, and that big ‘ol legalization issue. She’s fun and insightful, kind of like the book. And no, she wasn’t high. Check out the interview below.

GIANT: Where did you get the inspiration for Pot Culture – other than from pot…
SHIRLEY: My first internship was at High Times while I was still in college, and I thought it would be really fun to do a book that was about the person and not the plant. There’s a ton of pot books that you can sit and drool over and look at pictures of buds, but what interested me more was the culture and how stoners seem to have these common reference points that have lived through the ages.

Is working at High Times as fabulous as everyone thinks it might be?
The subject matter, just by virtue, makes it fun. We really pushed the celebrity angle – we got people who were famous or semi-famous to go on the record and talk about [pot] and be photographed with it, and that was something [Steve] and I were really very involved with making happen. So, yeah.

Were you worried about negative feedback from the ultra-conservatives?
I started working on the book about two years ago, but [now] just seemed like the time had come. After Harold and Kumar and came out, the ten-year anniversary of Dazed and Confused had passed, and Weeds came on TV, it seemed like everything kind of came together. The audience was getting a little less squeamish about the subject.

What about young people’s fascination over pot?
I don’t think it’s that huge of a fascination. I actually think we have a Meth epidemic that is even more popular than pot, which is just frightening. I think all the holidays and 4/20s are really fun. It’s like the universal bond that stoners have, and it’s kind of nonsensical in a way, but there is just something about stoners that makes them come together. But not in a bad way.

What’s your take on the legalization issue in America? Many also argue that a pot tax would ruin things if it was legal anyway.
As far as taxing, if they taxed pot and decriminalized it, they’d probably be able to pay for the war! We would have so much money we wouldn’t know what to do with it. So I actually think taxing would be a great thing. I live in California, where medical marijuana is okay. There are people who are sick and this helps them, so why would the government turn away medicine from people who are legitimately ill? That’s not to say people don’t take advantage of it, but illegal marijuana makes criminals out of people who are sick, which is not right. We have a much more pervasive drug problem in America, and it is not marijuana.

Gin makes you sin. Tequila makes you insane. Vodka makes you forget things. But Henny just makes you feel goooood.

I’m just not good at ordering all those little dainty drinks. I grew up with boys. So if I really have a choice in cocktails, it’s probably going to be straight brown juice, thought the occasional martini never hurt. So to quote instant classic 40 Year Old Virgin, keep your “pussy juice cocktail,” and hand me a glass of ‘yac.

THE HENNESSY MOJITO

2 oz. Hennessy V.S.

1/2 oz. fresh lime juice

1/2 oz. sugar cane syrup

6-8 fresh mint leaves

club soda

• combine the first four ingredients and top with club soda. You don’t need to shake anything but your ass.

Wendy Ho is on a tight budget, so stealing is her best option. But she doesn’t want your cell phone, makeup, or any other valuables you have. She just wants your purse, bitch. And maybe your boyfriend.

I have never seen or heard this chick before in my life, but Wendy Ho’s “Bitch, I Stole Your Purse” is one of the funniest things I’ve seen all week. Besides the funny lyrics, something about hood white girls always puts me in stitches. I hope this one sticks around.

Everyone has morning breath, even when you brush, floss, and gargle at night. Those who say they don’t are not only lying to you, but you clearly have not slept in the same room/bed/apartment with them. So when I was offered to take Therabreath‘s Morning Breath Challenge, I obviously thought it was straight bullshit.

I’m a hardcore breath snob – the bad breath of others offends me, so I’m constantly chewing gum or mints to make sure I’m not being a super hypocrite. So Therabreath created a system that guarantees the elimination of bad breath, and I’m thinking, either this really is crap, or it’s made of something I probably shouldn’t be putting in my mouth. However, after the first day I brushed with the Oxygenating Fresh Breath Toothpaste and gargled with the Oxygenating Fresh Breath Oral Rinse, I really did wake up the next morning tasting absolutely nothing. I am so completely not kidding. So I decided to stick it out for a couple days, chewing the gum and whathaveyou, to see if this was the real deal or some one-trick pony that would give me a mouth infection or something janky like that.

The verdict? Everything was incredible, except for the floss – but that’s only because it’s not waxed, and my teeth are super, super tight (anyone with close teeth will know that unwaxed floss = struggle and misery). The toothpaste and mouthwash, oddly enough, taste like absolutely nothing. I thought that was a little strange, but then I actually enjoyed being able to drink orange juice in the morning without cringing from that funky post-brush taste. And, though I regularly use Listerine, it still burns, and I still hate it, and was quite glad to end that abusive relationship.

I also thought mints didn’t taste that great, but I also hate the taste of vanilla. So I gave them to my friend Christian without telling him what they tasted like, and he loved them, so I’m pretty sure it’s just me being picky.

However, unless you and whoever you’re sleeping with are both using the Therabreath system, it’s key to remember that only one of you will wake up with awesome breath. So don’t get all excited and then nauseated when Captain Morning Breath leans in for a quickie.

Therabreath Fresh Breath Starter Kit, $9.99, Walgreens, April 2008.

That whole “wash-and-go” crap is not always as easy as it looks. Now that spring’s here, it’s back to a lame process of trial and error where I attempt to find a product that’s lightweight enough to not make those nasty, crunchy curls, but has enough hold to prevent that crazy frizzball look. Summer in New York is too gross to even make heat-straightening an option. I hate this game.

I’ve tried a number of Davines products before, and haven’t yet had a complaint. They also smell like heaven, but that’s neither here nor there. So I’m already a supporter of the company’s Momo Moisturizing Curl Enhancing Serum, which uses grapefruit seed extract and isn’t gel-based – yes, I realize gel saves some lives, but it’s also a guaranteed hair shittifier. Expand your horizons. Your stylist will thank you.

For those truly shitty hair moment, which really are inevitable no matter how hard you try, the Finest Oil Non Oil for Wizards is great for ponytail days, smoothing down strays, and using as a blow-drying base. And I’m all about not looking like I stuck my hair in a vat of grease.

With digital cameras and high-definition televisions taking over the universe, electronics company Sanyo just had to keep up with the Joneses. So check out my definition of one hell of a way to keep up: the 9.1-megapixel DMX-CG9 Xacti Digital Movie Camera.

The camera is just small enough to fit in your bag (perfect for party videos), comes in four colors (the missing one above is pink), and takes both still images and video footage. What’s more, this teeny little piece of machinery also takes high-resolution photos and has a longer recording time than most teeny handycams. The Xacti has a 12x zoom, which means you can take secret blackmail videos from a pretty great distance away, and the Super Macro setting allows you to capture from as little as 1cm away without blurriness. It’ll be available on April 18, so start saving.

Know of a high-definition video camera better or more convenient than this one? Post your comments and prove me wrong!

I have a penchant for the brown juice. Not that other kinds of liquor don’t get any love – I’m an equal opportunity employer, you know – but I’m always, always down for brown. And, even though I usually drink my whiskies, scotches, etc. straight or on the rocks, the Rémy Knock Out is good enough to be added to my drink entourage – a very high honor in the my alcohol world.

RÉMY KNOCK OUT

1.5 ounces Rémy Martin V.S.O.P

1 ounce Cointreau

Splash of Pineapple Juice

Splash of Cranberry Juice

Ice

• Pour Rémy Martin V.S.O.P and Cointreau over ice
• Add pineapple and cranberry juices as desired

*FUN COOKING HINT* If you have any Cointreau left over, use it in french toast batter for a hint of orange flavor in your breakfast. Orange french toast also goes really well with fresh blueberries or Nutella and bananas. As for any leftover Rémy, well….I guess you can make morning milkshakes. A little morning Rémy never hurt anybody. Well, me, once, but that’s neither here nor there. Thanks, college.

Most actors and singers have had to do crap work while on the come-up – Mariah Carey was a hair sweeper in a salon, and even rapper Eve was a stripper back in the day – but being a $5k-an-hour escort as your side hustle must take some real… talent. Someone give this ho a recording contract for her troubles!

Eliot Spitzer’s now-infamous prostitute “Kristen” has finally been revealed as Ashley Alexandra Dupré, an aspiring singer whose song isn’t that great but clips are already getting spin time on local radio stations here in New York.

Like a lot of artists, she’s got a sob story, so while everyone’s burning Spitzer at the stake, the nation’s soon to be all, “womp womp, she became a classy ho cause she had a shitty, unclassy home life, let’s listen to her song.” And I’m willing to bet that once it’s in our ears enough, homegirl will be one of 2008′s most fantastical one-hit wonders.

I’m a little torn, though. I wanna trash her, obviously, cause it’s easy but at the same time I’m womp-womping her crappy home life just like everybody else. I mean, according to her, she did have it pretty tough. And I guess working for an elite ‘tute ring is better than her being some Side Street Sally, hanging in car windows and selling poon for crack or something. However, she’s really a very pretty girl. Maybe she could have done some commercial modeling or something. Alls I know is, for $5k an hour, she should teach a sex class or some shit – there are clearly more than a few tricks up her sleeve.

I’ve worn the same watch day in and day out for the past couple years, mainly because I haven’t found another one that compares to my classic piece. But the limited edition “Circuit” watch from STORM London is so furturistic-looking and classy at the same time, I think the two might have to have joint custody of my wrist.

The only thing is, you have to be mildly smart to figure out what the hell is going on with it. The hours and month are indicated on the left column with led lights, while the minutes and day are lit up on the right. I really had to look at the images on the site for a minute before I figured out how it all worked, but it really didn’t take that long. And I’m pretty slow. So I’m sure you’ll have better luck, but I wouldn’t recommend getting it for a little kid. And, with five colors to choose from at a pretty reasonable price (as far as watches go), you can theoretically scoop all 5 and color-coordinate.

There are only 5,000 distributed worldwide, though, so I’d suggest getting a move-on. $230, stormwatches.com

Everytime there’s a political sex scandal, people across the nation freak out – - like it doesn’t happen all. The. Time. One might even argue that a lot of time and trouble could be saved if we all just acknowledged the fact that some politicians cheat. Regular people cheat too. So, you know, quit acting so surprised. Here’s a brief rundown of famous government scandals and the jump-offs that caused them.

JOHN F. KENNEDY AND MARILYN MONROE

Late US President John F. Kennedy and legendary pinup Marilyn Monroe were famously getting it on while he was around. Maybe no one cared as much back then, cause he was a pretty great guy. And great guys deserve great birthday presents….

MARION BARRY SMOKES CRACK, LIKES ‘TUTES

Q: Who makes more money – a drug dealer, or a prostitute?
A: A prostitute, cause she can wash her crack, and sell it again.
Marion Barry: “I know that’s right!”

Marion Barry is probably the first guy to pull a Spitzer (being secretly recorded, that is). The former Washington, D.C. mayor was not only busting pipes; he was smoking them. And it was all caught on hidden camera! Guess Barry was getting the best of both worlds. Check out this video from his 1990 prostitute-buying, crack-smoking fiasco.

BILL CLINTON AND MONICA LEWINSKY

A short history:

• Wealthy girl from California is overweight, wears too much makeup in high school, has a reputation for being wack but thinking she’s cool.
• Gets the ultimate job: Interning for the President of the United States of America.
• Turns the ultimate job into the ultimate way of getting attention: President third-bases her with a cigar, nuts on her dress.
• Girl saves dress and tells her friend all about the hookup over the phone.
• Friend tapes the conversation and tells everybody.

This wasn’t planned at all.

President says what any guy would say:
“Who? Her? Hell naw, I didn’t touch that.”

Nation calls his bluff, everyone sees semen-y dress. President realizes the jig is up:
“Oh snap, you meant THAT Monica Lewinsky. Hm. Yea. I did screw around with her a little. My bad, yall.”

RUDY GIULIANI SCREWS AROUND WITH STAFFER, SCREWS UP MARRIAGE

Former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani was married to Donna Hanover for 16 years before they got divorced. Donna Hanover, being a chick with balls, had no problem telling the public,
“Yea, my marriage went downhill, and it was largely due to THIS ho” :

…former City Hall communications director Cristyne Lategano.

To the public, Cristyne and Rudy were like, “dog, we have NO idea where she got that from,” but they’d been romantically linked for a good, long while. Whether the scandal was true or not (they never admitted to it), Hanover said f-it and moved on with her life, becoming a figure on morning news show Good Day New York.

JIM MCGREEVEY’S A GAY AMERICAN, AND THAT’S NOT EVEN THE SKANKY PART

One day in 2004, a guy named Golan Cipel decided to file a sexual harrassment suit against New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey. Much like the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, McGreevey decides to bite the pillow bullet and both come clean and resign, confessing to the nation, “I am a gay American.”

Well, no shit.

But that’s not the part that got everyone (except for Mrs. McGreevey, naturally) all ticked off. As it turned out, the guy he was banging was his former homeland security advisor Golan Cipel, a dude who was not only unqualified for such a high position, but was also not a United States citizen. In reality, he was just some dude that McGreevey met on a trip to Israel, used taxpayer money to employ, then fired in 2002. So Cipel got pissed and outed him via a sexual harrassment suit, and now neither of them are U.S. government officials. Burn!

KWAME KILPATRICK, SCRIPPAS, AND CHRISTINE BEATTY

Anyone who watches Law & Order knows that the government is constantly monitoring us. So when you’re a government official, shouldn’t you just know that some moves are stupid ones? Apparently Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick doesn’t.

What makes this dude awesome is that he keeps doing skanky shit and getting away with it, either cause everyone in Detroit loves him that much or there’s just no one better out there. In 2002 he decided to host a huge party in city-owned mayor’s crib Manoogian Mansion, complete with policement, government officials, and a ton of strippers. As if that wasn’t a dumb enough idea (while there’s nothin wrong with a stripper party, not every tax-paying citizen is down for their mayor having one in the government mansion, for chrissakes), Kilpatrick got caught up in even heavier scandal when one of the dancers ended up dead and, evidently, by the same firearms Detroit police officials use.

However, instead of living this party foul down gracefully, Kilpatrick makes his own block even hotter by shacking up with Christine Beatty, his chief of staff, and the two text-sex their way back into the news. After the government tracked down over 14,000 illicit texts between the two, Beatty resigned, and Kilpatrick was like, “um…my bad.”

I mean, at this point, what else was he gonna say?

Breathe easy, Spitz. It’ll all be over soon.

I’d initially purchased tarte‘s cheekstain when it first launched because the concept was new and the bottle was pretty, but now it’s a serious staple in my life. So, even though I have yet to try the Full Blossom natural cheekstain from the cosmetic line’s Spring ’08 collection, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be just as awesome as my cheekstain in “flush”.

The great thing about creme blushes is that you don’t need to carry around a big dirty brush just to use it, and you can usually make room for it in your “going out” bag for emergency 3am touch-ups. What’s more, tarte’s cheekstains are so light that you can put it on without looking like those old ladies that rub bright-red lipstick on their cheeks. Proceeds from the sale of the full blossom natural swirl cheekstain go to Sambazon’s Sustainable Acai Project, so you can also feel good about helping the rainforest and improving living conditions in Brazil every time you put it on. Nice. $28, tartecosmetics.com

I’ve found that it also goes well with tarte’s lock & roll creaseless eyeshadow duo, but that’s only due to the fact that I haven’t yet mastered the art of walking out of Sephora with only the thing I went there intending to buy. Whatever. The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Politicians and hoes are like peanut butter and jelly, and the country’s most recent whoremonger is New York governor Eliot Spitzer, who was caught on a federal wiretap trying to score some ‘tang from prostitution ring Emperors Club VIP. He called himself “Client 9″ and was making plans to have homegirl travel from New York to Washington, where he was staying in a hotel room under another name.

Not that there’s anything wrong with purchasing your lady friends or anything but, you know, Spitzer’s got a wife and kids and all that. Oh yea, and he’s a governor, so that’s not a very good look on his resume. But aside from all that, I have to give him his props for, at the very least, preferring high-class trickery.

What makes this story REALLY funny, though, is the fact that Spitzer is responsible for prosecuting at least two prostitution rings during his time as attorney general and, according to The New York Times, spoke with “revulsion and anger” regarding one of the cases.

You know, it’s really possible his anger was genuine. If I happened to be a customer of the booty bodega, I, too, would be pissed to see all that potential goodness go to waste. It’s like catching your kids drinking beer, then trying to set a good example by pouring it in the sink in front of their faces, when all the while you could just be drinking it. I’m just saying.

My hair takes hours to dry on its own, so that whole wash-and-go thing really doesn’t work for me in the winter. Or ever, really. Blow-drying can also be a bitch, as my hair is pretty thick, so I’m constantly looking for a dryer that won’t make my arms hurt before half of my head is finished.

The Wigo Taifun2 Professional Dryer has two speeds and four different heat settings so you can do a quick dry or one of those all-out, heavy-duty, rushed jobs. It’s also got a rubber grip which, as any product user would know, is essential for preventing the clumsy dryer slip-ups that almost always happen with greasy products like serum or oil sheen (I definitely catch a bump or two on my head almost every time I dry my hair). It also uses tourmaline and ionic technology, mildly complicated phrasing that roughly translates to “non-hair-frying, shiny-hair-producing magic science.” And, for those of you who love how straight your stylist gets your hair but can’t quite find a blow dryer anywhere near as good, the Taifun2 also has a narrow opening concentrator attachment, so now you can save that 20 bucks you always spend to get your hair blown out at the Dominican spot. Sweet. $100, wigo.com

J-Prince is coming out with a new line of condoms called Strapped to raise awareness of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. Lil’ Wayne has signed on to be the star of the condom line’s new public service announcements and his new ad is raising some… eyebrows.

Okay, okay, he’s clearly getting arrested, but let’s be real — it also looks like he’s getting it in the butt. And the slogan is, “Go down strapped.” And Weezy’s got his usual Weezy face on, but in this case it looks like he’s actually in pain. Not that there’s anything wrong with a man getting it in the butt, or a rapper for that matter, and I suppose it would be VERY essential to wear a condom when engaging (particularly) in butt sex, but damn, son, didn’t you just spend a few months last year trying to convince everyone you weren’t really making out with your daddy? I’m just sayin.

Japanese bikini model Serena Kozakura was charged for breaking into her boyfriend’s home by kicking a hole in the wall and crawling through it, then flipping when she caught him with his side piece. Thing is, the hole was 28.3 inches by 8.7 inches, and Kozakura’s breasts measure a good 44 inches. So, even though two guys said they saw her crawl through the hole and successfully get into the apartment, the judge ruled that it wasn’t even possible on account of her huge boobs. But as a person with huge boobs herself, I insist that this is bullshit. Watch the video (she reenacts the charges at around 3:40), then read my argument.

So, I’m not saying that her boobs aren’t huge, and I’m not saying that she doesn’t look like she’s struggling, either. However, she’s on TV, trying to get herself out of jail and/or fines, and therefore she’s clearly not going to try to fit through the hole. Since she says she was always self conscious about having a big chest, I’m assuming they’re real, and, as there is a lot of mush and push to breasts in general, she definitely could flatten them out a bit to fit through a hole. With the right amount of struggle, she could most certainly get through that hole. It would probably take a sec, and it might be a little tough, but it’s definitely do-able. Especially if she was that pissed.

However, despite calling her on her bullshit, I really gotta hand it to her. Those ta-tas got her out of charges AND scored her twins worldwide sympathy from the boobless, and probably the same hatelovehate from women like me who HAVE had to squeeze their chests through tight places at least twice since puberty. Now, that’s my kind of woman.

I have literally (I counted last night so I could truthfully write this post) 9 different bottles of finishing serum in my house, and none of them have ever been completely finished. They’re either too messy, too thin, too watery, too thick, too greasy…..

So, much like high school gossip, GIANT staffer Ericka told another staffer Debbie about Kérastase Sérum Nutri-Sculpt Leave-In Lustrous Repair, who told me that it’s like, the Jesus of hair serums, and Ericka’s hair is often mysteriously fantastic. So I borrowed her bottle (being the frugal, skeptical woman I am, I so was NOT shelling out the bucks for it without trying it first), and she’s right. I had no choice but to put down my morning mug of Haterade and agree that this stuff is pretty incredible.

And before you bitch about paying so much for so little, the whole point is that you don’t NEED to use a whole bottle in one clip to get awesome, shiny hair. It’ll last you for months. It’s also really great for traumatic I-was-once-obsessed-with-blow-drying-and-now-I-have-crazy-broken-off-pieces-of-hair -all-over-my-head repairs. Flyaways were cool back in….wait, no, it was never cool to look like you’ve just been rolling around in balloons. $29, kerastase.com

Yesterday, I was at a press conference that had nachos and salsa for snacks. Today, a GIANT staffer went to Chipoltle for lunch. Both times, I wasn’t interested – all I really wished I had was a margarita.

That said, there’s honestly nothing I really have to say about the Herradura Cactus Pear Margarita, because I’m convinced this Mexican food-margarita TGIF cocktail coincidence is really the doings of a much higher power. Cheers!

HERRADURA CACTUS PEAR MARGARITA

Two ounces Herradura Silver Tequila

One ounce fresh lime juice

One ounce orange liquor

Two squirts 1/2 ounce of cactus pear syrup

• add ingredients and ice to a blender, pour, and serve
• if you don’t have a blender, or you need to drink it IMMEDIATELY (it’s okay, we’ve all been there), it tastes just as good over ice.
• re-enact the “Tequila!” scene from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure:

I really do love weed, hoes, bling and Henny as much as the next music writer, and I’m sure I’ll be blogging about all four on Monday morning, but I think I’ve finally found a rap group that officially geeks out all the backpackers in the hip-hop land, and that’s really made my week. Rapper Tahir Jahi and guitarist Damian Hagger make up Race Card, a group I’ve never even heard about before today. They just posted a video on YouTube called “Programmed,” a song riddled with the nerdspeak that rappers like Lupe Fiasco and K Swift made so cool, and gave my brain the biggest nerdgasm of the week. The video is even done over iChat! Thanks, guys.

I should be embarrassed by all that geek vomit I just spit, but I’m really, really not.

Watch the “Programmed” video here:

Thanks to Akil for the leak.

Everybody wants to hop on the mp3 speaker bandwagon – after all, they’re convenient and pretty useful at parties. At the same time, they’re usually bulky and annoying, are only compatible with iPods, and not really worth the trouble of having to carry an extra bag. So SurroundXi called everyone on their bullshit and created the smallest portable digital speaker system on the market. In yo’ face, Bose.

Most mp3 speaker systems have limited compatibility (only iPods, CDs, etc.), leaving you with a bevy of sound systems that just take up space in your crib. Picking up on this, the SurroundXi connects to ANYthing – iPod/Nano, mp3, mp4, portable CD/DVD players, computers, cell phones, USB flash keys, u-disks, and pretty much anything else that plays music. It’s also small enough to fit in a handbag or the pocket of a pair of baggy jeans, rendering you the savior of any party foul. It’s also incredibly cheap, so you can replace it if you accidentally put it in the washing machine or something.

You know what, nevermind. This isn’t a nerd debate. This is just a really awesome product, making this post entirely too easy. What a waste of time. $39.99, surroundxi.com

Ever lose something, then see someone in school using it, and when you try to claim it they say, “naw, it’s mine – my cousin bought it for me,” and both of you know full well that that ain’t true? Laser art company Etchstar lets you personalize the products that everyone else has, so you can legitimately kick a thief’s ass.

You can go to the site, pick out a stencil, and buy customized products directly from them (it appears they have a deal with Apple, but don’t hold me to that), or send in your own art and gadget and pay a small fee to get it tricked out. Those feeling way special about their jobs can even buy etched metal business cards, which is incredibly dope in theory, but for $875 for 500 cards, I’d end up being a stingy jerk about giving them out, and then no one would ever want to do business with me.

Soundsystem company Tannoy finally hopped on the iGear bandwagon and developed the i30 speaker system, made especially for the hatetolovetobeaddictedtoit Apple iPod. GIANT staffer Radio Rashaun was all like, “I need to put this post up for today’s ‘I Need This’” and I had to get all territorial. So, while I’m not gonna pretend like this is my own personal edition, Rashaun sooo doesn’t get to write it. Huzzah!

Unlike a lot of iPod boom boxes, the Tannoy has five dock adaptors to fit the million different iPods Apple keeps coming out with in order to make you continue to buy their stuff. Which means that your first generation “I reFUSE to give in to Apple’s anarchy” iPod will fit just as comfortably as your “I caved” Nano Video 5000 or whateverthehell the new one is. It also charges your iPod when the system is docked and it has a USB connection built in it, so you don’t have to keep taking it out and hooking it up to the computer to charge or update it. Pretty sweet. Visit the site to find out all the other cool stuff it does. $399.99, tannoydigital.com

Yesterday, the Philadelphia Daily News reported a seriously hilarious arrest involving gay porn stars – TWINS! – who were arrested for hopping through roofs and robbing shops in the downtown Philly area. So if you’re in a store and you have a limited amount of time to steal stuff – oh, and you’re a gay porn star – what do you steal?

Cash, cigarettes, and condoms, obviously.

Some highlights of this hilarious story:

• While many rob bars and convenience stores and the like, these two dudes hit up a beauty salon and an adjacent chicken shack. Sigh.
• The newspaper article gives an inexplicably detailed account of Mike and the Twins, the gay porn the brothers starred in. The details have nothing to do with the robbery; I guess maybe the author was just doing thorough “research.”
• The “bad” twin, Taleon, has apparently been picked up for stuff before, one highlighted story recounting the time he was arrested for crack cocaine and proceeded to break out of the cop car by HEAD BUTTING THE WINDOW, then swimming across a pond, still handcuffed, “like Flipper,” and taunted the officers while doing it, going, “you’ll never catch me!”

Something about a gay man yelling “you’ll never catch me!” while running reminded me of Greased-Up Deaf Guy on Family Guy, and I really wanted to post a video of that, but Fox has infiltrated the internet and taken away all of our happiness the Greased Up Deaf Guy clips. But I DID find this one, which isn’t the original golden nugget that was GUDG’s introduction on the show, but it suffices:

NBC’s To Catch a Predator is such a guilty pleasure, even though it’s the same scenario every time: perv comes in, young decoy offers him some lemonade and cookies or whatever, then host Chris Hanson comes outta nowhere with some really snappy line and the perv gets all embarrassed, and later arrested.

But the real action comes when the situation goes one of two ways:

1. The dude acts all calm and has a BS conversation with Hanson, talking about how he wasn’t really gonna have sex with a kid, but, you know, he was just visiting or whatever.

2. Dude is familiar with the show, but apparently never thought he’d be on it, so he starts apologizing and pleading and feeling all sad and ashamed when he realizes that as soon as he walks out the door, the cops are gonna rag him up, and shit will steadily roll downhill for his whole sorry life from then on.

So imagine my delight when fellow GIANT staffer Kevin sent me this Predator highlights video. Some kid had a lot of time on their hands, and we’re so totally grateful for it. Check out the clip below.

Sometimes it’s better to have one awesome piece of jewelry than a bazillion little pieces of tacky shit. This Ileana Makri necklace is great for one of those “one piece only” times.

It’s hard to see how awesome this Ileana Makri pendant is in the faraway picture, so check out the detail pic below – what makes the piece sparkle is actually tiny diamonds studding the length of the snake, accented by little emerald eyes. Totally over the top, which is really how I prefer to live my life.

Jewelry designer Ileana Makri is from Greece, a land known for hot weather, hot jewelry, and, most importantly, hot men. I want pretty much everything on the site, which presented a problem, as “I Need This” only features one awesome thing. Maybe I should just make today’s “I Need This” a picture of Ileana Makri, who could so totally be my personal jewelry designer if I was, say, Angelina Jolie, and not a completely un-famous writer. But I heard she was into adopting kids, and I’m down if she is. I know I’m a little old, but I do have excellent manners and shiny hair. Whaddoyousay, Mama Pitt?

Snake pendant, $3100, Barney’s New York

While Asians occasionally break out in the American music scene, no African American in the history of Japanese enka (a style of music) has made any waves overseas. So, obviously, Pittsburgh-born enka singer Jero (born Jerome White, Jr. – save your jokes) is, like, a really big deal now.

Introduced to the Japanese folk music by his grandma, who was Japanese herself, Jero moved to Japan right after college in 2003 and started a music career. While you can’t help but giggle when you see this black guy, dressed like a b-boy, start singing Japanese slow jams, he’s actually pretty good. He’s like the Obama of Enka. Yes we can!

Some people have hit songs and tons of fame because they’re really good at singing. Some are just good at dancing. Others are just really good entertainers. Rihanna is one of those “others.”

Rihanna has the raw talent of being really cute and sweet and making America fall in love with her innocence. With the right backing (Jay-Z), girls like her can climb to the top of the pop culture mountain doing little more than holding a tune, staying in shape, and memorizing at least two dance sequences (that can be repeated throught a whole song or video, if necessary). That said, if Rihanna didn’t have the look or the right people, she wouldn’t have gotten very far in life. Unlike Britney Spears and Janet Jackson, she isn’t carried by her dancing, but instead by her serious loveability, and America was tricked into ignoring her lack of singing and dancing ability to the point where they’ve convinced themselves she can sing. But she can’t, and this high school video proves it.

This is not to say I or others will not continue to buy her albums. Because who DOESN’T love Rihanna?

Check out this utterly painful rendition of Mariah Carey’s “Hero.” Speaking of heroes, some kind soul really should have saved her from going on stage and trying to pull this shit off.

We like to burn scented candles in the office to create an intimate work setting. No, just kidding. But burning scented candles always presents the risk of getting that one gross, funky candle that makes the whole room smell and leaves you sepnding the next three hours wishing you’d never lit it. So I was crossing my fingers when I gave our boss three Mistral Black Glass candles to light up, cause giving your boss a shitty gift makes you look not only like a suck up, but a really lame one at that.

However, not only were we all pleasantly surprised, but the whole office now smells like some hot man showered using Mistral Men’s Soap, came to visit, and left us all with his hot-man-soap scent. Not that there aren’t any hot men in this office, but they sure don’t shower with this stuff.

Okay, now I’m gonna get crap for that last line from the dudes around here, so I’ll just quit while I’m behind. $28 each, mistralsoap.com

I have great skin, but it’ll get red if you breathe on it too hard. So, unfortunately, my relationship with Smashbox‘s Photo Finish Foundation Primer (okay, my friend Lindsey’s, but I used it constantly) ended before we even had a one month anniversary, and I was in despair…until I started dating its younger brother.

The Photo Finish Foundation Primer LIGHT is oil free, which is excellent on my wack baby skin – no clogged pores, redness, or bumps, and I can wear it alone and get my face stroked all day long, or wear it under foundation and get my face stroked all day long. Holler. I was told my skin is “like velvet,” which I only took as a compliment because I had the Photo Finish Light on. Otherwise, I would have been convinced I was growing a beard and stayed indoors examining my face for the next three days. $36, smashbox.com