Rapping to the White House

The Republican Party

President: 50 Cent. He has several homes, uses dirty tactics, and is in one of the highest tax brackets.

VP: Tony Yayo. He’s the Memphis Bleek of G-Unit

The Good: Much like the current ruling party, 50’s got a thing for money. His presidency would restore the balance too America’s fragile economy through shrewd international marketing deals that would include beverage, clothing and book deals.

The Bad: Also, like current ruling party, 50’s got a thing for beef. If you thought Bush’s love of the preemptive strike was bad, wait till President Curtis Jackson has the US invading Switzerland, Honduras and Thailand just because he thinks they looked at him funny.

The Democratic Party

President: T.I. He’ll let the country have whatever it likes.

VP: Rick Ross. All those years in law enforcement have to be good for something, right?

The Good: Tip’s like former President Bill Clinton. He’s charismatic, well liked and can admit when he’s made a mistake. America under T.I.’s leadership, the US would endure years of peace. Aggressive nations would remember what he did to Shawty Lo and fall back.

The Bad: The President is also the Commander-In-Chief of the military. Given T.I.’s love of collecting machine guns, do we really need him stockpiling tanks, fighter jets and missiles? And if he gets impeached for doing that, we’ll have to deal with a police state under the rule of President Rick Ross.

The Liberal Conservatives

President: Jay-Z. If he can jump from Marcy to Madison Square, he can make it to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

VP: Nas. Remember, Jay-Z signed him to Def Jam.

The Good: People really like Jay, the same way that Castro’s supporters really like him. If there’s one thing that President Carter won’t have to face, it’s dissent from his constituents, unless they want to end up on that Summer Jam screen. Plus, his appeal is international and he’s cool with everyone from Kofi Annan of the UN to Lebron James. With Jigga as prez, we’ll get more appearances by the First Lady, Beyonce. And that’s a good look for America.

The Bad: Should Jay-Z become incapacitated and be unable to fulfill the duties of his job, we’d be stuck with President Nas, who would confuse the country with the rampant usage of “nahemsaying,” dealing with situations like it was a scene from Belly, and not being able to make up his mind about whether or not hip-hop is dead. (Note, it’s not.)

The Independent Party

President: Slug at Atmosphere. He’s been the reigning king of underground rap for years, he’s of ambiguous ethic origin and his fans consist of kids who hate mainstream rap.

VP: Murs. No one bought Murs for President. Maybe, they’d buy Murs for Vice President?

The Good: Slug is the definition of Main St, America. Hailing from Minneapolis, MN, he’s managed to transcend the trappings of the cold and reach fans from all over the world by consistently releasing new music and relentlessly touring. Given all of his foreign and domestic policy experience, a presidency under Slug would be filled with independent business growth and a return to the do-it-yourself mentality.

The Bad: Given that Slug’s fan base consists mostly of 15-year-old girls, bedroom DJs and basement freestylers he’d probably have a tough time getting elected in the first place. But if he did, then we’d have to endure State of the Union addresses where Slug talks about his feelings and the girls who’ve wronged him.

The Kush Green Party

President: Snoop Dogg: He believes in drug reform.  As in, he’s in favor of drugs.

VP: Jim Jones - By calling himself “The Capo,” he’s already set the precedent that he’ll always be number two. Sorry Jimmy, you only get to visit the Oval office.

The Good: Everything wil be legal - Possession of substances, poppin’ hydraulics in traffic, free use of “fa shizzle.”  If you’re in favor of drugs, then you’ll love a Snoop Dogg presidency. Whatever your vice - marijuana, ecstasy, Valium - you’ll be set. If the economy tumbles, or America is suddenly invaded by wombats, you can just pop some pills, have your eyes roll back in your head and melt all your troubles away.

The Bad: You know how work much stoners accomplish? Imagine that, plus 500% more negative progress. After one term of  Dogg/Jones, America would have regressed to the technological standards of 1850’s. But, we’d all be too stoned to notice.

The Radical Party

President: M1 of dead prez. Just like the dp’z song says, it’s bigger than hip-hop.

VP: Chuck D. After the mess Flava Flav’s created with his escapades on VH1, someone’s got to restore glory to Public Enemy.

The Good: M1’s made his career out of calling for complete reform of the entire way the United States is structured in order to give power back to the people and ensure that everyone has access to food, clothes and shelter. An M1 administration would put the working class first, rework immigration policies in favor of immigrants and put members corporate criminals where they belong - behind bars, in solitaire confinement, and subject to a daily caning.

The Bad: The colors of the American flag would flip from red, white, and blue to red, black, and green, meaning we’d need to rework the national anthem. Also, if you thought getting drafted was bad, wait till you have to go to through the People’s Army boot camp.

See also: Mos Def: “If I Were President”