It’s Cool, Spitz… Everyone’s Doin’ It!

Everytime there’s a political sex scandal, people across the nation freak out – - like it doesn’t happen all. The. Time. One might even argue that a lot of time and trouble could be saved if we all just acknowledged the fact that some politicians cheat. Regular people cheat too. So, you know, quit acting so surprised. Here’s a brief rundown of famous government scandals and the jump-offs that caused them.

JOHN F. KENNEDY AND MARILYN MONROE

Late US President John F. Kennedy and legendary pinup Marilyn Monroe were famously getting it on while he was around. Maybe no one cared as much back then, cause he was a pretty great guy. And great guys deserve great birthday presents….

MARION BARRY SMOKES CRACK, LIKES ‘TUTES

Q: Who makes more money – a drug dealer, or a prostitute?
A: A prostitute, cause she can wash her crack, and sell it again.
Marion Barry: “I know that’s right!”

Marion Barry is probably the first guy to pull a Spitzer (being secretly recorded, that is). The former Washington, D.C. mayor was not only busting pipes; he was smoking them. And it was all caught on hidden camera! Guess Barry was getting the best of both worlds. Check out this video from his 1990 prostitute-buying, crack-smoking fiasco.

BILL CLINTON AND MONICA LEWINSKY

A short history:

• Wealthy girl from California is overweight, wears too much makeup in high school, has a reputation for being wack but thinking she’s cool.
• Gets the ultimate job: Interning for the President of the United States of America.
• Turns the ultimate job into the ultimate way of getting attention: President third-bases her with a cigar, nuts on her dress.
• Girl saves dress and tells her friend all about the hookup over the phone.
• Friend tapes the conversation and tells everybody.

This wasn’t planned at all.

President says what any guy would say:
“Who? Her? Hell naw, I didn’t touch that.”

Nation calls his bluff, everyone sees semen-y dress. President realizes the jig is up:
“Oh snap, you meant THAT Monica Lewinsky. Hm. Yea. I did screw around with her a little. My bad, yall.”

RUDY GIULIANI SCREWS AROUND WITH STAFFER, SCREWS UP MARRIAGE

Former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani was married to Donna Hanover for 16 years before they got divorced. Donna Hanover, being a chick with balls, had no problem telling the public,
“Yea, my marriage went downhill, and it was largely due to THIS ho” :

…former City Hall communications director Cristyne Lategano.

To the public, Cristyne and Rudy were like, “dog, we have NO idea where she got that from,” but they’d been romantically linked for a good, long while. Whether the scandal was true or not (they never admitted to it), Hanover said f-it and moved on with her life, becoming a figure on morning news show Good Day New York.

JIM MCGREEVEY’S A GAY AMERICAN, AND THAT’S NOT EVEN THE SKANKY PART

One day in 2004, a guy named Golan Cipel decided to file a sexual harrassment suit against New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey. Much like the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, McGreevey decides to bite the pillow bullet and both come clean and resign, confessing to the nation, “I am a gay American.”

Well, no shit.

But that’s not the part that got everyone (except for Mrs. McGreevey, naturally) all ticked off. As it turned out, the guy he was banging was his former homeland security advisor Golan Cipel, a dude who was not only unqualified for such a high position, but was also not a United States citizen. In reality, he was just some dude that McGreevey met on a trip to Israel, used taxpayer money to employ, then fired in 2002. So Cipel got pissed and outed him via a sexual harrassment suit, and now neither of them are U.S. government officials. Burn!

KWAME KILPATRICK, SCRIPPAS, AND CHRISTINE BEATTY

Anyone who watches Law & Order knows that the government is constantly monitoring us. So when you’re a government official, shouldn’t you just know that some moves are stupid ones? Apparently Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick doesn’t.

What makes this dude awesome is that he keeps doing skanky shit and getting away with it, either cause everyone in Detroit loves him that much or there’s just no one better out there. In 2002 he decided to host a huge party in city-owned mayor’s crib Manoogian Mansion, complete with policement, government officials, and a ton of strippers. As if that wasn’t a dumb enough idea (while there’s nothin wrong with a stripper party, not every tax-paying citizen is down for their mayor having one in the government mansion, for chrissakes), Kilpatrick got caught up in even heavier scandal when one of the dancers ended up dead and, evidently, by the same firearms Detroit police officials use.

However, instead of living this party foul down gracefully, Kilpatrick makes his own block even hotter by shacking up with Christine Beatty, his chief of staff, and the two text-sex their way back into the news. After the government tracked down over 14,000 illicit texts between the two, Beatty resigned, and Kilpatrick was like, “um…my bad.”

I mean, at this point, what else was he gonna say?

Breathe easy, Spitz. It’ll all be over soon.